Monday, December 26, 2016

When Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas- Holiday Depression

Christmas was weird this year. I put a ton of time and effort into gifts and holiday plans, but still the closer the holiday got the more out of the spirit I became. I played Christmas music, watched my favorite Christmas movies, wrapped gifts, trimmed the tree. I even baked a traditional steamed Christmas pudding and ate a ton of goodies my mom sent, alas I feel like I never got into the swing of things.

This bothered me for two reasons 1) I actually love Christmas. I love buying presents for people and I enjoy the feel of the holiday. After Halloween it's my next favorite holiday, then it's my birthday (cause it's all about me...of course lol) and 2) Because I didn't have a reason to not be in the holiday spirit and I hate feeling like I am bringing down my family and friends.

We went to my in-laws this year. Wonderful warm people who over decorate their home (love it), bake all kinds of holiday goodies and give wonderful presents to all the children, in-laws and grand children. They have a dozen special traditions that my husband was very much looking forward to sharing with me and our kids, it was the first year we've been able to go since we got married.

There is the picnic under the Christmas tree, where all 20+ of us sit around the tree and eat off blankets, paper plates and with our fingers all manner of junk foods. Chips, dip, little smokies, cheese, crackers, deli meat etc... etc.. Then there is a huge gift exchange between the siblings. There's a holiday party at his grandma's on Christmas Eve where they do a production of reading the Christmas story from the Bible, sing songs and ring bells.  You have to eat breakfast on Christmas day before any child in allowed to open gifts from Santa upstairs (they even put up a sheet so you can't see the tree or presents), then my husband's parents give presents down stairs.  This year they all went to church after presents and then did a huge family dinner of turkey at my husband's grandmother's house.

It was a perfect, ideal Christmas. Carols, gifts, great food, delicious aromas, snow, sledding, children laughing....simply ideal. I, however, never once quite felt the holiday and just couldn't wait to go home. I don't like being away from my house on the holidays and for the first time in eight years my mom and dad were not here for Christmas. I am also 38 weeks pregnant, I don't feel well, I can't sleep and my hips and pelvic region hurt like hell. My youngest son (who is 2) was also not at his brightest and nicest this weekend, he was cranky, tired, over stimulated and frustrated. Which meant that I didn't get to participate in the Grandma Christmas Eve festivities, the rocket shooting or the sledding. I spent a good deal of time alone with a cranky toddler.

I hope that even with my semi bad mood my kids and husband had a lovely weekend, they all deserved it. We drove home Christmas Day and then did family gifts at the house, which was nice and I enjoyed watching my kids and husband pick out the gifts I so carefully selected. I in turn received some wonderful things as well (though not the Backsteet Boys Las Vegas tickets I had hoped to get..... grrrrr. lmao  ). We ate mac and cheese and had a quiet rest of our Christmas night, watching White Christmas. It was the most fun and most relaxed I felt for three days.

However, I have a box of un opened presents just waiting for when my mom and dad can come when baby # 4 decided to makes his appearance. (Hopefully any day now.) Which kind of makes me sad all over again. Not having my mom with me this Christmas and being so pregnant really affected my mood this holiday season. Sitting here the day after Christmas I feel like I missed out on something, like Christmas hasn't quite come yet, it's a weird surreal feeling I can't get passed.  I hope it goes away. I am excited for the new baby to come and for my mom and dad to be here.

I hope anyone else who had depression this holiday season, or who simply never got around to feeling like it was the holidays has a much better 2017. I know how it feels when Christmas....just isn't Christmas, it's pretty awful and it's never fun to be the one standing on the side lines miserable while everyone else is enjoying love, light and laughter.

So here's to the end of 2016, which in all honestly sucked balls. Hopefully 2017 will be so much better.

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