Friday, July 17, 2015

When a Birth Doesn't Go as Planned (it can screw you up!)

So the past week I have been suffering through some major depression. The past four days it's been take care of the baby, don't get dressed, sleep all day kind of depression. I blamed it on my period about to start at first, but I have dealt with anxiety and depression all my life so I know a lot of the signs...Tired all the time, restless (like that do something crazy run away restless), no energy, feeling like I hate myself... So not quite the post period emotional crap I normally go through...That is much more....cry at commercials eat a ton of ice cream emotional distress.

So I decided I needed to start excising again and take my pills, all great ideas, if I can convince my sad self to get off my ass and actually do the work out thing, and the pills take a week or so to kick in anyway.

Then the story get's.... more intense....a friend of mine had a baby earlier this month and I remember being happy for her, but totally depressed at the same time. Then another friend had a baby just a few days ago and I was happy for her...but cried after I got off facebook. I remember feeling that way with every friend who has had a baby since the Goblin King was born.

So I sat and thought about it and figured out I was feeling jealous. Jealous that their inductions became vaginal births, that their body went into labor on it's own...that they got what I wanted.... a vaginal birth...Proof that their bodies could do what nature made them do.

My birth went as far off the plan as it could go. I did everything right, I didn't gain weight, I exercised, ate well, went to the classes, had a doula, read all the literature and even got a doctor who was completely VBAC friendly. Still I was induced at 41 weeks, I was optimistic because my Bishop's Score was great and I had an excellent support team.

But still I wound up with an emergency c-sections because the Goblin King was in distress. My doula (a nurse and studying to be a midwife btw) says it was because all the staff around me just kept telling me the risks, stressing me out, which caused a stressed out baby, a baby that wasn't handling the induction well...pitocin is the devil.

There I was on the couch today in tears wondering why my body couldn't do what it needed to. Even though it did eleven years ago with my Princess. Why did everyone elses birth plans go alright but mine had to suck so badly? I want a birth that I didn't just lie on a table and going into shock during, I want a birth where I feel like my body did what it was supposed to.

I did the first thing I could think of; text my husband, who basically gave me the worse answer ever, "you should be happy you have healthy kids." WRONG, especially since this only made me feel worse. Not his fault, how was he supposed to answer his crazy wife? I mean he's at work and suddenly I am on the text freaking out....

I went to my birth forum and my doula and asked and they all said the same thing,

My doula told me I did everything right and gave me some options for next time as well. She said, "Healthy babies are paramount, but it is not ALL that matters."

The women in my birth forum shared similar experiences, allowing me to understand my feelings were OK and NORMAL. However most of them seemed to feel this way right after the birth and not ten months later, they all talked about how they had PPD (post par-tum depression) and some even resented their children.

I never resented my son for the way the birth turned out...I do however resent my body.

I began to question? Is it possible to have PPD 10 months after your baby is born? I mean I can be depressed, but this was extreme even for me. So I did some research and YES, up to 12 months after your child is born some women STILL experience symptoms of post partum depression and I have many of those symptoms. I didn't have this with my daughters, or at least I don't think I did...Any insomnia or loss of joy I usually blamed on my depression.

Today though I really thought about it...My depression is usually easily managed and in short bursts of hours, rarely more than a day or two...I suffer from anxiety much more than depression.

I am not a medical doctor, so maybe it is just normal depression, either way it doesn't feel good, but it does feel better to finally understand what has been driving the depression and the feelings of anger and jealousy towards my new mom friends. (Who I AM happy for...they have a brand new precious baby, that is AWESOME)

Hopefully after this break through today I can start feeling normal again because I have confronted my feelings. I also wanted to make sure to shed some light on the fact that like me you can feel sad about your birthing experience but still love and be grateful for your baby.

Some great blogs/ articles about this subject

When Birth Does Not Go Like You Hoped

When Childbirth Doesn't Go As Planned

You are Not selfish to want your birth to go as planned

What to say to someone who is dealing with this:

9 Things to Say

Birth Reclaiming Ceremony
"This is a beautiful intimate ceremony in which a family can process their hurts and move on to celebrating their baby and each other. This is a chance for you and your partner to share your experience without judgement and celebrate your baby in a new way." Poems, prayers, candles and mediation are used in this ceremony to basically give you back your birth and let go of the old one.
Birth Reclaiming Ceremony

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