Friday, July 17, 2015

When a Birth Doesn't Go as Planned (it can screw you up!)

So the past week I have been suffering through some major depression. The past four days it's been take care of the baby, don't get dressed, sleep all day kind of depression. I blamed it on my period about to start at first, but I have dealt with anxiety and depression all my life so I know a lot of the signs...Tired all the time, restless (like that do something crazy run away restless), no energy, feeling like I hate myself... So not quite the post period emotional crap I normally go through...That is much more....cry at commercials eat a ton of ice cream emotional distress.

So I decided I needed to start excising again and take my pills, all great ideas, if I can convince my sad self to get off my ass and actually do the work out thing, and the pills take a week or so to kick in anyway.

Then the story get's.... more intense....a friend of mine had a baby earlier this month and I remember being happy for her, but totally depressed at the same time. Then another friend had a baby just a few days ago and I was happy for her...but cried after I got off facebook. I remember feeling that way with every friend who has had a baby since the Goblin King was born.

So I sat and thought about it and figured out I was feeling jealous. Jealous that their inductions became vaginal births, that their body went into labor on it's own...that they got what I wanted.... a vaginal birth...Proof that their bodies could do what nature made them do.

My birth went as far off the plan as it could go. I did everything right, I didn't gain weight, I exercised, ate well, went to the classes, had a doula, read all the literature and even got a doctor who was completely VBAC friendly. Still I was induced at 41 weeks, I was optimistic because my Bishop's Score was great and I had an excellent support team.

But still I wound up with an emergency c-sections because the Goblin King was in distress. My doula (a nurse and studying to be a midwife btw) says it was because all the staff around me just kept telling me the risks, stressing me out, which caused a stressed out baby, a baby that wasn't handling the induction well...pitocin is the devil.

There I was on the couch today in tears wondering why my body couldn't do what it needed to. Even though it did eleven years ago with my Princess. Why did everyone elses birth plans go alright but mine had to suck so badly? I want a birth that I didn't just lie on a table and going into shock during, I want a birth where I feel like my body did what it was supposed to.

I did the first thing I could think of; text my husband, who basically gave me the worse answer ever, "you should be happy you have healthy kids." WRONG, especially since this only made me feel worse. Not his fault, how was he supposed to answer his crazy wife? I mean he's at work and suddenly I am on the text freaking out....

I went to my birth forum and my doula and asked and they all said the same thing,

My doula told me I did everything right and gave me some options for next time as well. She said, "Healthy babies are paramount, but it is not ALL that matters."

The women in my birth forum shared similar experiences, allowing me to understand my feelings were OK and NORMAL. However most of them seemed to feel this way right after the birth and not ten months later, they all talked about how they had PPD (post par-tum depression) and some even resented their children.

I never resented my son for the way the birth turned out...I do however resent my body.

I began to question? Is it possible to have PPD 10 months after your baby is born? I mean I can be depressed, but this was extreme even for me. So I did some research and YES, up to 12 months after your child is born some women STILL experience symptoms of post partum depression and I have many of those symptoms. I didn't have this with my daughters, or at least I don't think I did...Any insomnia or loss of joy I usually blamed on my depression.

Today though I really thought about it...My depression is usually easily managed and in short bursts of hours, rarely more than a day or two...I suffer from anxiety much more than depression.

I am not a medical doctor, so maybe it is just normal depression, either way it doesn't feel good, but it does feel better to finally understand what has been driving the depression and the feelings of anger and jealousy towards my new mom friends. (Who I AM happy for...they have a brand new precious baby, that is AWESOME)

Hopefully after this break through today I can start feeling normal again because I have confronted my feelings. I also wanted to make sure to shed some light on the fact that like me you can feel sad about your birthing experience but still love and be grateful for your baby.

Some great blogs/ articles about this subject

When Birth Does Not Go Like You Hoped

When Childbirth Doesn't Go As Planned

You are Not selfish to want your birth to go as planned

What to say to someone who is dealing with this:

9 Things to Say

Birth Reclaiming Ceremony
"This is a beautiful intimate ceremony in which a family can process their hurts and move on to celebrating their baby and each other. This is a chance for you and your partner to share your experience without judgement and celebrate your baby in a new way." Poems, prayers, candles and mediation are used in this ceremony to basically give you back your birth and let go of the old one.
Birth Reclaiming Ceremony

Sunday, July 12, 2015

My New Novel and Creative Writing

So I haven't written in over a month. Mainly because of work/kids/family and getting my book out to literary agents. That's right; queries, synopsis and first three chapters are out all over the internets in the hands of literary agents to see if this time what I've written is strong enough or good enough to receive representation. So please cross your fingers for me and if you have any ins, feel free to send them my way. lol

So I need to get started on the newest book, it's stalled out at about three chapters. Figured I would do some fun creative writing exercises for your enjoyment. It's either that or another political rant about how much I hate this country when it comes to providing birth control and safe affordable access to abortions.

I am also beta reading my best friend's novel, which is a feat since I kind of think she hoped I would just love it instead of ripping out big chunks and telling her whole sections need to be re written. However as P.N.Elrod said; a beta reader who won't tell you the truth and does nothing by comment on the good is doing you more harm than good.

I got a lot of: THE TRUTH when I allowed my Boo to read The Bathory Curse and had to rewrite a ton of shit.


1. Who is coming round the corner?

A little girl.

2. What is their secret?

Her mother told her she had to get rid of the pregnant stray cat

3. What are they carrying?

A baby kitten.


1. Why did Peter lose his temper with Joanna

Because he found out that she was a Russian Spy, but she has asked for asylum from the USA because she loves Peter.

2. Where did he go after he stormed out?

To the pub O'Tooles, down the street for a pint of beer

3. What happened to him when he got there?

He interrupted a robbery and was shot in the head. Joanna goes back to Russia with state secrets, blaming the USA for his death, even though the anger is misguided since Peter's death was an accident.


1. Who has found something at the back of the wardrobe?

An old woman

2. What have they found?

A blue bottle and a note that explains in the bottle there is a youth elixir. If the lady drinks it she will return to how she looked when she was 25 and be healthy. However she must agree to leave her husband and life at once, cutting everyone off forever.

3. What will they do next?

She burns the note and dumps the bottle out, she wouldn't leave her husband of 40 years and the beautiful life they made together for any amount of youth.


1. Who cheated John?

His boss.

2. What did they cheat him at?

He stole a design for a new Navy weapon and passed it on as their own.

3. Will John do something?

No, John has seen way to many episodes of NCIS. He knows he will be caught, so he simply finds a better job and gives his two week notice.


1. What building can you see Rose leaving?

An old plantation, she is rushing away, occasionally looking over her shoulder.

2. What is she wearing?

Her uniform, a bag slung over one shoulder, old shoes and a scarf in her hair.

3. Where is she going?

To her new home, her husband has purchased her freedom so that she and their unborn child can travel safely to the North.