Sunday, March 1, 2015

For Fun: The Definitive Rank of Disney Heroines

Part 1 of 4

Warning: I included all those I was FAMILAR with. So if someone got left out it's cause I haven't seen the movie. (Sorry Black Cauldron and Atlantis) And I only included MOVIE characters (Even though I love me some Kim Possible and Candice Flynn Fletcher from PaF.) Feel free to comment where you think the left over character should have gone and why. Also I did not include ANY animals or anyone not animated during the whole film (Enchanted). I also tried to make this a list of MAIN female characters. So Charlotte from Princess and the Frog, not present, or Lilo's sister. This list also DOES NOT include sequels, no Melody from Little Mermaid Two etc...etc..

1) Elsa, The Snow Queen from Frozen
I love this character. She is by far my favorite heroine.  No sidekick, she has a great background with tragedy and self doubt that must be over come. She sings (like a Goddess), and has no love interest, which is VERY different from most heroines. Her villain hates her out of greed, a man does NOT save her and at the end of her story not only does she learn to love herself and open up to her sister, but she learns love conquerors all without some dumb man. She does make a bad choice by running off, but it's fuel by self hate and doubt she must learn to over come.

2) Rapunzel- Tangled
I loved this character's spunk and willingness to get out and experience the world. She has a great pet chameleon, who doesn't talk. (Which is nice), She liked to read and paint, plus has a back story about being kidnapped and held like Stockholm syndrome style. Plus she figures out how to use all that hair for her own benefit. Her villain doesn't really hate her, she just covets the magical hair in a truly sick way.  I liked the relationship between her and  her love interest because they have to grow to love each other and at the end she saves him. I enjoyed how at the end she learns about love, family, friendship and not allowing your dreams to die. I totally get behind that.

3) Anna- Frozen

While a bit less understanding about Elsa then she should have been and a bit na├»ve. She breaks out of the mold to rescue her sister and her people. She gets two love interests, but they are not the main storyline. She has a snow man side kick and she sings pretty well. "Do You Wanna Build  A Snowman" is forever stuck in my mind. I enjoyed her go-get-it personality and her stubborn streak. Not to mention that she is willing to risk her life to save her sister and her Kingdom, especially with the normally tragic my-parents-are-dead backstory.

4) Pocahontas
I love that at the end of her movie she does not wind up with her love interest. Her main goal was to create peace and love between her people and the white man. She is a nature lover, with two animal sidekicks; a raccoon and a hummingbird.  She does not dress in fancy ball gowns and is a simply down to earth. I love that she wants adventure and her life to mean more than just marrying well, that she wants to go where the wind and her dreams take her.

5) Jessica Rabbit- Who Framed Roger Rabbit

This sexy red headed cartoon takes number five because she has a job, a spunky sultry personality and married her husband not because of his money or good looks, but because he made her laugh. She has a fiery temper, takes matters into her own hands and sings like a the Goddess of sex and love. She doesn't have a side kick, which is nice. But she does live in a funky place called Toon Town. She knows how to use what the Gods gave her to her advantage. She doesn't learn any kind of lesson in her movie, but she doesn't really need to.

6) Sally Skellington- A Nightmare Before Christmas
On this one I am a little biased. I have placed Sally so high because this movie is one of my favorites.  I like everything about her, the singing, no side kick, the habit of poisoning her maker for some free time. She cooks and brews potions while also sewing not only clothes but herself, which means she can control her emotions. This character is logical and lonely at the same time, wanting desperately to fit in and have the one person she wants most in the world notice her.

7) Megera- Hercules
Who couldn't love this character? She is sassy, strong and sarcastic. She doesn't have a side kick and her singing is very old school cabaret sounding. Her back story is good, she sold her soul for the man she loved who turned around and scorned her. She doesn't put up with shit from anyone including Hades, doing his bidding to the exact word, no more and no less. Her love story with Hercules does save her in the end, but only because she sacrificed herself, again for the man she loves, who then gives up his Godhood to be with her. No insta-love in their relationship, which was refreshing.

8) Belle- Beauty and the Beast
Now we begin to enter the territory where you will notice my picks get a little heavier on the whether or not I like them side. I love Belle, she reads, takes care of her father and loves everyone. She wants adventure and won't give in to brute Gaston and when the Beast tries to push her around she doesn't give into that either. Her main sidekick is a horse and then some talking cutlery. She does sing, and her villain doesn't hate her, he wants what he can't have.  She is farther down the list because when she tries to escape the beast her choice DOES get someone else hurt. At the end she learns that someone's beauty is deeper than what they look like and to love the person inside is what counts

9) Tiana- Princess and the Frog
I didn't like this movie and because of it didn't care much for this character. She makes number 9 because she had dreams of running her own business, which succeeded. She had a job and came from a single mom household (unlike most heroines who either a) don't have parents or b) only have dads). I liked that she found her love interest annoying and that she was a strong female character. Not sure what she learned at the end, maybe a lesson on not judging people because they have money? If you know, please leave it in the comments. I also liked that she didn't have a side kick until she became a frog.

10)  Mulan
The is my best friend's favorite heroine. She wants to protect her dad so she acts like a man, joins the army and fights for her country. She makes a ton of friends, even if she is lying and because of the that the romance doesn't show until the end. (Though did anyone else get a bit of a homosexual vibe from this movie? I did and I love it!) Her side kicks are a silly dragon, a cute cricket(grasshopper) and her awesome horse. She sings pretty well and does make a few dumb decisions that get others hurt, but in the end learns all kinds of valuable lessons and becomes stronger and more self aware than she was before. Plus she is one of the only heroines whose villain doesn't hate HER per say, but her whole people and country.

11) Jasmine- Aladdin
This is my sister's favorite heroine, at least when we were little girls. I always liked her, she wanted to do what she liked because and didn't want to follow arcane rules. She wanted  out of the palace walls and to experience what other people do. I always enjoyed that she fell for Aladdin while he was a pauper and not a prince. She has a way cool tiger, sings a bit and doesn't make any dumb decisions that hurt other people. Aladdin does save her in the end and she does that gross Jafar kiss, plus her backstory is a little on the lacking, hence the # 11 rating.

12) Jane Porter- Tarzan
Okay, so this one was difficult for me as well...cause really who falls for an Ape Man who can barely speak English and is probably filthy? Yuck. But this girl is smart, she reads and is into science and doesn't let anyone tell her what to do. She is out in the middle of the Jungle studying Gorillas, after all. The villain in this doesn't really care about her, he wants to capture the gorillas, she doesn't have a side kick and she doesn't sing. They don't really go much into her backstory either, but it makes sense because Tarzan, is really the main character of this movie. While I am not sure how much of a lesson is learned by Jane, I must say this, "Girl's got balls."

13) Merida- Brave
Alright, I know I am gonna get shit for this. "Why is Merida so far down? She doesn't have a boyfriend, she's strong, independent, wants her own way..." Blah blah blah....Sure. Merida can use a sword and a bow, she rides a horse, reigns in her little brothers, there is no man saving her, this was ALL Merida's story. No real sidekick (unless you count her mom the bear), doesn't sing and we don't have to deal with a love story or really a villain at all. However, hear me out. Merida is the villain of this story. She is why her mom is turned into a bear, she is disrespectful of her mother and it annoyed the crap out of me. The lesson she had to learn was to love and respect her mom, and it's almost too late.

14) Wendy Darling- PeterPan
I chose Wendy as  # 14 instead of someone a little more well liked for several reasons. Wendy takes care of her two brothers, while being forced to grow up when she is still a little girl. She deals with a over bearing dad and a quiet prim and proper mom. She is then basically kidnapped (voice of reason if you remember) and taken to an island where she is expected to be a mother to a bunch of dirty boys. She is almost drowned by mermaids, betrayed by a bratty fairy and taken hostage by pirates and forced to walk the plank. The main bad guy couldnt care less about her and just wants revenge on Peter. Wendy doesn't have a true sidekick to rely on, nor does she do a ton of singing. She handles all this with great poise and attitude, a true lady in the face of danger, she makes good choices and tries to save everyone. She realizes, at the end, that growing up is not so bad as she thought and convinces her brothers they must return home.

15) Lilo Pelekai- Lilo and Stitch
Sorry this one is a cop out. I don't like this movie. But I am aware this heroine is a bratty, spunky little girl with a mind of her own. Alien side kick, check, no real singing, check....Likes to surf, check, not real nice to her sister; check, no love interest or man so; check.  Interesting dead parents being raised by big sister back story and the bad guys don't care about her, they want Stitch. So I have chosen to stick her right here on # 15, good a place as any.

16) Cinderella
I have a soft spot for Cinderella. A lot of people don't like her cause she has a man rescue her from her abusive family and her story is all about insta love and going to a party. However I choose to look at it like this; she manages to keep a smile even though she is being emotionally and mentally abused by women who are supposed to be her family, both her parents are dead and her only friends are talking mice and some birds, a scrawny dog and a old horse...even the family cat hates her. She has taught herself to cook, clean, sew, make a fire, feed and care for livestock...all things she probably didn't know how to do cause she grew up rich. In the face of despair we only see her break down the one time. I find her to be a strong and suitable role model, I mean if I was in her shoes I sure as hell would marry the first man willing to take me away.

17) Esmerelda- Hunchback of Notre Dame
Another cop out for me cause I hated this movie too. Music bad, plot bad, backstory for characters bad and just a really horrible remake of this tale. The villain is creepy but not creepy enough, but still a little too pervy for a kids movie. Esmerelda is a free spirited gypsy with a goat side kick. She speaks her mind, but even after all she has been through falls for the pretty face instead of a nice guy. So here she is at number 17, simply because I didn't know where else to put her.

18)Ariel- The Little Mermaid
Ariel is at 18 because while I love her tendency to be a hoarder, her unconditional love for everyone and abundance of curiosity. This is one stupid bitch. She makes a pact with a sea witch simply for love, a pact that almost kills her father, since of course the villain could care less about her, no she has a huge grudge on Daddy Triton. She does have three sidekicks that are really awesome, and her singing voice is to die for. Her backstory is kind of whiny and she does fall in love with a guy she sees only once. I am not sure what Ariel learned at the end of her story, except maybe what family is really all about, the true meaning behind those who really love you...

19) Aurora- Sleeping Beauty
Look, I love this movie, but the girl is pretty personality-less. She's mean to her Godmothers, acts like a spoiled child, falls in love with the first guy she meets and then lives happily ever after when he rescues her from a curse. The villain hates her cause of a party invite foul up and is the coolest part of this movie. Sure Aurora has a great singing voice and animals side kicks, but that's what happens when magical fairies can give you any gift and the ones they choose and song and beauty. LAME

20) Snow White- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
I try not to be too hard on Snow White, because the character is between 14-16 years old and pretty sheltered. However, when ranking them it's only obvious she belongs at the bottom, even if her tale is one of my personal favorites. Her parents die and her step mom treats her like trash, and even after being uses as a slave she manages to keep a smile on her face. She does however fall for the first man she ever meets and allows seven other men to treat her like a maid (she's a run away little girl for heavens sake help her, don't make her clean your house!) I give her props for having to wander through a scary forest all night by herself, I wouldn't want to do that. But as my daughter once told me, "She's stupid, who takes food from strangers?" What lesson does she learn at the end, aside from a man will save you from your own stupidity?

21) Tinker Bell- Peterpan and Various Tinkerbell movies
Tinkerbell annoys me. She is vindictive, mean, only thinks about herself and constantly gets her friends and other fairies (and herself) in trouble.  She is headstrong and willful, but mostly she just doesn't' think, she acts first. She has no fun sidekick, doesn't sing, has the barest minimum of a backstory (depending on if you ONLY watch Peterpan) doesn't have a love interest, though is jealous of any woman Peter is interested in. Her only saving grace is she ALWAYS learns a lesson at the end of her movies, something moral usually. I have seen way too many of these movies, but that's what happens when you have two daughters.

22) Alice- Alice in Wonderland
Last and certainly the least,  Alice. I hate her. she is stupid, whiny and thoughtless. She complains about not having adventure in her life and when she gets it all she does is spout annoying statement after annoying statement. She pisses off pretty much everyone she meets in Wonderland, doesn't listen to anyone's advice and makes dumb decisions constantly. Her story is so boring there's no love interest, the one song she kind of sings sucks, her back story is lame, she doesn't have any friends and the only lesson she learns is to be content with what she has...Barf.

Well I hope you enjoyed! Bright Blessings.

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