Sunday, March 29, 2015

My Journey as a Fit Fat Woman Episode One #effyourbeautystandards

As you know I am a plus size woman...a fat girl...have been my whole life and probably will continue to be so. I have chosen this year to get fit...Not lose weight, I hate that term, lose weight means diets and means agonizing over the scale and the size of your pants. When really it should be about whether or not you FEEL good inside your own skin.

I have gained some weight. I am not ashamed to say it. After the birth of my last son I am standing at 5 foot 8 and 315 pounds, my heaviest weight since January 2011. My goal is in the next two years to reach 250.00, before Boo and I try to have another baby. However, my real goal is to feel good naked again, to feel sexy and not just in a picture that I have taken three times with everything "just right."

I am a beautiful woman, I've always known that. I am allowed to say I am beautiful, that I have great skin, a warm smile, pretty eyes and awesome hair. I don't mind how I look physically most days, but it's those days where I look at myself and go, "ugh how does Boo not flinch when he looks at me naked" that have to stop. My anxiety and depression disorders do not help, neither does being on my period or having a night where the baby doesn't sleep...

I tried Weight Watchers in January (because when I was 18 I lost 50lbs on the program) and couldn't do it...not because I don't have the discipline, but because I have an eating disorder, there I have admitted it. I am bulimic. You might be thinking, "sure, *snort* fat girls cannot be bulimic." And you would be so wrong it's not even funny. ANYONE can have an eating disorder, and I do mean anyone. In fact bulimia can cause weight gain because your body starts hoarding food since it is not getting nutrition.

I have always had a touch of binge eating and bulimia. I would find myself gorging at a party and that heavy feeling in my stomach would make me panic with thoughts like, "OMG how much weight is that cake going to cause me to gain?" I would rush to the bathroom and purge. I have spent years trying to get over that feeling and just be normal with my eating habits. Weight Watchers accelerated the bulimia in a horrible way. Thinking every day about every single thing I ate, weighing, measuring, counting points and over analyzing just made me feel worse to the point of panic.

"If I eat this toast with butter and jam, plus have coffee with cream and sugar...I won't be able to have lunch AND eat with my family tonight the ribs we are making from scratch." Cause on WW even foods you would think are healthy have high points. (example 6 oz of braised ribs and a salad) One night out with the girls and BAM all your "extra" points for the week are gone. One birthday party, one slice of my mom's cheesecake....One handful of Christmas candy....and it doesn't matter all the veggies, fruits and whole grains you have been limiting yourself to. I would go one point over and guilt, shame and defeat would run through my thoughts until I felt even more depressed then where I started.

I began obsessing over my scale, getting on it several times a day; morning, night, clothes on, clothes off, before eating, after eating, before a purge, after a purge...It never ended until I was sitting on the toilet one day thinking about something I haven't in over a year...the razor I keep in my room for self harm... Thinking I didn't deserve my husband, that I was too fat, too ugly too.... Then I stopped. I put on something comfortable and went into the living room and canceled my Weight Watchers account. I went to work that night and started doing research of plus size fashion, plus size bloggers and discovered some amazing things.


There are dozens of beautiful plus size women out there who wear the fashion they want when they want and have shown me so many new websites and stores that sell fashion forward and beautiful clothing that will fit me, that I actually like...You know places aside from Lane Bryant and Torrid, which I love, but get tired of. They are really expensive.

They love their bodies, they curves, their FAT!!! They feel wonderful and proud of themselves and flaunt that fact. I wanted to BE them.

Then I found curvy girl yoga, yoga made for fat girls who can't always get into a head stand or Crow position and have a hard time staying in Downward Dog longer than a few minutes. I went to a class with an amazing teacher, Debbie, and felt better about myself in one hour than I had in a month. I realized I had found a work out routine that I actually enjoyed. I signed up quickly for a 30 day Yoga challenge and a 14 Day Yoga Shred with and while some days things happen and I can't do it I try really hard to stay on task.

So I made some changes to my life. I have done 20 + minutes of yoga 18 out of 29 days this month. I had my best friend hide my scale and I bought some clothes that make me feel beautiful. I stopped paying attention to what I eat and by that I mean I try to have smaller portions, cut out a ton of fast food, junk food and soda and try to make healthier food choices. However, if I have Taco Bell one day or eat some cake, or eat a plate of chili cheese fries with my husband, I don't freak out about it...I don't panic or worry or berate myself for being a fat loser. I simply live, love myself and enjoy my family and life...because it's a pretty good one.

Do I still have days full of self doubt? Moments of body hate and feelings of despair over how I look in the mirror? Sure, it's only been a month, this is a slow start to being the perfect me I can be. When I feel like this though, now I know where to go, what to look at and whose blog to read to inspire me and remind me to take a deep breath and remember, "no one is perfect, your weight does not define you." Skinny does NOT = healthy. I have a few health problems and NONE of them have to do with my weight, thank you very much so #effyourbeautystandards and #redefinebeauty

This is my journey, you can join me on it and support me, or you can get off at the next stop.


Links to Inspire


Curvy Yoga

Body Positive Yoga

Fashion Blogs

Cup Cake Clothes

Lovin My Curves

When in Doubt Wear Purple

It's Your Life Style It

Chubby Cartwheels

Margie Plus

And I Get Dressed

Jay Miranda

Girl With Curves

The Curvy Girl Style

Fashion Love and Martinis

Tess Munster

You Tube

Glitter Odyssey

Loey Lane

Plus Size Blogs


Authentically Emmie

Monday, March 9, 2015

For Fun: The Definitive Rank of Disney Villains

Part 2 of 4


Just like the Heroines list this is all my own opinion. I have also only done villains from movies I HAVE SEEN. So if I missed one and you want to comment about where they should appear on the list, please feel free to do so!! This is also only includes main bad guys. So Anastasia and Drizella have been left out as well as other minor bad villain characters. Hopefully you enjoy!

20. Shan Yu - Mulan
He makes # 20 because out of all the villains his character is the least flushed out. He has little speaking lines and is mainly an invisible threat to the characters until the end of the story.

19. Shere Khan- Jungle Book

Simply because you hate man is no reason to try and kill a little boy raised in the forest. I also hate the idea that all cats must be evil. Disney portrays them as sneaky and devilish in most movies. I.E Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp, Lucifer in Cinderella etc...etc.. Aristocats is the one kitty saving grace.

18. Doctor Facilier (The Shadow Man)- Princes and the Frog
I concede the scene where he is conjuring spirits is pretty freaky and cool, this bad guy is a sad villain in light of some of Disney's greater evil no good doers. Also I find the portrayal of voodoo insulting. He is more of some evil spirits whiny bitch then a villain in his own right.

17. Claude Frollo- The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I wish this hadn't been a kid's movie. This guy is so much nastier and grosser in the original tale. The movie makes him a bit of a creeper and fanatic, but nothing like the pious douche who kills Esmerelda cause she won't sleep with him, that he is in the novel.

16. Yzma- The Emperors New Groove
While voiced by the awesome Eartha Kitt, and drawn in such a way that you want to cringe when you look at her, I couldn't stand this movie. AT ALL. So the villain of it's story winds up at number 16. Sorry Yzma, with your hunky young lover....the hero is too whiny for you to be farther down the villain list.

15. The Queen of Hearts - Alice in Wonderland

She is a psycho with a fatal attraction to red and punishing her underlings. You would think this would make me like her more...nope. She is too crazy to be a good queen or to even make sense when she talks. She treats her husband badly, instead of utilizing his own, small, abilities and cares WAY too much about an annoying English girl.

14. Gaston- Beauty and the Beast

Okay, I like Gaston, but in a list with other villains? He kind of sucks. He is devious, I mean who gets a girl's daddy put in an asylum simply so he can bang her? Someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that's who. In the end, however, he is just a jock with too much testosterone who grew up in a small poor village as a rich boy and is treated like a Prince. I mean he doesn't even have magic!

13. King John- Robin Hood

My favorite Disney Movie, but seriously this guy's an idiot and so is his whole staff. Just a mean thumb sucking baby.

12. Captain James Hook - Peter Pan

Ah, the Captain of the Jolly Roger. Lovable, funny, bad tempered, an afraid of crocodiles, you know, when a forever young snotty boy isn't kicking his butt. I love a good pirate, but this one is a buffoon. He makes # 12 because he has no qualms of killing kids to get what he wants, even if what he wants is to kill an annoying young boy...Go pillage something for heaven's sake.

11. Governor Ratcliffe- Pocahontas

This guy is actually a decent bad guy. He wants to kill a whole group of people because they act and look different then he does and because he thinks they are hoarding gold, which is totally untrue. He almost starts a war over gold and land. Pretty horrible if you ask me. He is this far from # one because once he realized he had been out numbered and out smarted, instead of pulling back and thinking things through he just bumbles in, grabs a gun and shoots. Making you realize he really is just a pompous dumb ass after all. Cute doggy, though.

10. Jafar- Aladdin

And now we get into the cream of the crop. I only have one thing to say about Jafar. Dude is EVIL. Reasoning: that seriously gross scene where he kisses Jasmine, cause he wants all that power and to be Sultan and also to basically rape a teenage girl.

9. Lady Tremaine( The Evil Stepmother)- Cinderella

Step One. Make some sad lonely widower fall in love with you
Step Two. Move in with him, his beautiful daughter and your two horrid daughters
Step Three. Not really be too sad when he dies and leaves you everything, thinking you will take care of said beautiful daughter.
Step Four. Be jealous of beautiful daughter, cause that's rational.
Step Five. Treat sweet beautiful daughter like crap because it makes you feel better about your horrid self and ugly kids.

8. Ursula- The Little Mermaid

Most detailed plot to over throw a king you hate EVER. I mean how much forethought went into this? Ursula had to plan, like plan, that Triton would willingly give up his power and throne to save his daughter and that Ariel would come to her and fail. How devious is that shit? She is also a Plus Size Goddess, one of the only plus size Disney characters ever. I would make her closer to # 1 if there weren't a few villains more evil.

7. Mother Gothel- Rapunzel

Stole a baby and ruined a family for MAGIC FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH HAIR. Rapunzel gonna need therapy for LIFE. "Yeah I'm Rapunzel, the woman I thought was my mom was actually my kidnapper, and never cared about me, she was just in love with my hair."

6.Prince Hans of the Southern Isles- Frozen

Ultimate playboy douche wheel. What kind of guy pretends to fall in love with a lovely shut in simply to try and get her Kingdom?...The kind who can feel jealously and forgotten about cause he has 12 older brothers! You gotta give him props though, he was going to let Anna freeze to death simply to get a Kingdom. The real villains here are Hans parents, that is TOO many kids. He gets beat by two awesome girls in the end, though, which is a fitting for a a sneaky handsome villain.

5. Cruella De Ville- 101 Dalmations

I only need to use three words to justify her in the top five: Wannabe Puppy Killer

4. Hades- Hercules

King of Hell, party of one. No not you Crowley, sorry my love, I am talking about the blue hot head who lies, kills and manipulates to become the ruler of Olympus, while maintaining his charms, good looks and sarcastic sense of humor...Wait maybe HADES IS CROWLEY.

3. Queen Grimhilde (The Wicked Queen)- Snow White

Tried to kill her step daughter simply because the LITTLE GIRL was prettier than her. Vanity at it's best, and she took that advice from a scary demon she raised to live in her magic mirror. She is one evil bad ass witch. She wanted Snow White's heart in a box!! Have you heard the incantation she uses for the mirror servant? Creepy as hell.

2. Scar- The Lion King

I don't care for this movie, but it has obvious Hamlet style undertones and the bad guy KILLS HIS BROTHER to obtain his throne. That is seriously fucked up. SERIOUSLY. Plus you have to kind of dig him with his sexy voice and angry attitude.

1. Maleficent- Sleepy Beauty

Sorry but it had to be this evil bitch fairy, pissed off cause her invitation to a blessing got lost in the mail. She curses a perfectly innocent child to DIE and doesn't blink and eye or feel any sympathy. Then she tries her best to see her curse is successful, even if it's been turned into a sleeping curse instead of a death curse. Plus she becomes a DRAGON. Nuff said.

Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

For Fun: The Definitive Rank of Disney Heroines

Part 1 of 4

Warning: I included all those I was FAMILAR with. So if someone got left out it's cause I haven't seen the movie. (Sorry Black Cauldron and Atlantis) And I only included MOVIE characters (Even though I love me some Kim Possible and Candice Flynn Fletcher from PaF.) Feel free to comment where you think the left over character should have gone and why. Also I did not include ANY animals or anyone not animated during the whole film (Enchanted). I also tried to make this a list of MAIN female characters. So Charlotte from Princess and the Frog, not present, or Lilo's sister. This list also DOES NOT include sequels, no Melody from Little Mermaid Two etc...etc..

1) Elsa, The Snow Queen from Frozen
I love this character. She is by far my favorite heroine.  No sidekick, she has a great background with tragedy and self doubt that must be over come. She sings (like a Goddess), and has no love interest, which is VERY different from most heroines. Her villain hates her out of greed, a man does NOT save her and at the end of her story not only does she learn to love herself and open up to her sister, but she learns love conquerors all without some dumb man. She does make a bad choice by running off, but it's fuel by self hate and doubt she must learn to over come.

2) Rapunzel- Tangled
I loved this character's spunk and willingness to get out and experience the world. She has a great pet chameleon, who doesn't talk. (Which is nice), She liked to read and paint, plus has a back story about being kidnapped and held like Stockholm syndrome style. Plus she figures out how to use all that hair for her own benefit. Her villain doesn't really hate her, she just covets the magical hair in a truly sick way.  I liked the relationship between her and  her love interest because they have to grow to love each other and at the end she saves him. I enjoyed how at the end she learns about love, family, friendship and not allowing your dreams to die. I totally get behind that.

3) Anna- Frozen

While a bit less understanding about Elsa then she should have been and a bit na├»ve. She breaks out of the mold to rescue her sister and her people. She gets two love interests, but they are not the main storyline. She has a snow man side kick and she sings pretty well. "Do You Wanna Build  A Snowman" is forever stuck in my mind. I enjoyed her go-get-it personality and her stubborn streak. Not to mention that she is willing to risk her life to save her sister and her Kingdom, especially with the normally tragic my-parents-are-dead backstory.

4) Pocahontas
I love that at the end of her movie she does not wind up with her love interest. Her main goal was to create peace and love between her people and the white man. She is a nature lover, with two animal sidekicks; a raccoon and a hummingbird.  She does not dress in fancy ball gowns and is a simply down to earth. I love that she wants adventure and her life to mean more than just marrying well, that she wants to go where the wind and her dreams take her.

5) Jessica Rabbit- Who Framed Roger Rabbit

This sexy red headed cartoon takes number five because she has a job, a spunky sultry personality and married her husband not because of his money or good looks, but because he made her laugh. She has a fiery temper, takes matters into her own hands and sings like a the Goddess of sex and love. She doesn't have a side kick, which is nice. But she does live in a funky place called Toon Town. She knows how to use what the Gods gave her to her advantage. She doesn't learn any kind of lesson in her movie, but she doesn't really need to.

6) Sally Skellington- A Nightmare Before Christmas
On this one I am a little biased. I have placed Sally so high because this movie is one of my favorites.  I like everything about her, the singing, no side kick, the habit of poisoning her maker for some free time. She cooks and brews potions while also sewing not only clothes but herself, which means she can control her emotions. This character is logical and lonely at the same time, wanting desperately to fit in and have the one person she wants most in the world notice her.

7) Megera- Hercules
Who couldn't love this character? She is sassy, strong and sarcastic. She doesn't have a side kick and her singing is very old school cabaret sounding. Her back story is good, she sold her soul for the man she loved who turned around and scorned her. She doesn't put up with shit from anyone including Hades, doing his bidding to the exact word, no more and no less. Her love story with Hercules does save her in the end, but only because she sacrificed herself, again for the man she loves, who then gives up his Godhood to be with her. No insta-love in their relationship, which was refreshing.

8) Belle- Beauty and the Beast
Now we begin to enter the territory where you will notice my picks get a little heavier on the whether or not I like them side. I love Belle, she reads, takes care of her father and loves everyone. She wants adventure and won't give in to brute Gaston and when the Beast tries to push her around she doesn't give into that either. Her main sidekick is a horse and then some talking cutlery. She does sing, and her villain doesn't hate her, he wants what he can't have.  She is farther down the list because when she tries to escape the beast her choice DOES get someone else hurt. At the end she learns that someone's beauty is deeper than what they look like and to love the person inside is what counts

9) Tiana- Princess and the Frog
I didn't like this movie and because of it didn't care much for this character. She makes number 9 because she had dreams of running her own business, which succeeded. She had a job and came from a single mom household (unlike most heroines who either a) don't have parents or b) only have dads). I liked that she found her love interest annoying and that she was a strong female character. Not sure what she learned at the end, maybe a lesson on not judging people because they have money? If you know, please leave it in the comments. I also liked that she didn't have a side kick until she became a frog.

10)  Mulan
The is my best friend's favorite heroine. She wants to protect her dad so she acts like a man, joins the army and fights for her country. She makes a ton of friends, even if she is lying and because of the that the romance doesn't show until the end. (Though did anyone else get a bit of a homosexual vibe from this movie? I did and I love it!) Her side kicks are a silly dragon, a cute cricket(grasshopper) and her awesome horse. She sings pretty well and does make a few dumb decisions that get others hurt, but in the end learns all kinds of valuable lessons and becomes stronger and more self aware than she was before. Plus she is one of the only heroines whose villain doesn't hate HER per say, but her whole people and country.

11) Jasmine- Aladdin
This is my sister's favorite heroine, at least when we were little girls. I always liked her, she wanted to do what she liked because and didn't want to follow arcane rules. She wanted  out of the palace walls and to experience what other people do. I always enjoyed that she fell for Aladdin while he was a pauper and not a prince. She has a way cool tiger, sings a bit and doesn't make any dumb decisions that hurt other people. Aladdin does save her in the end and she does that gross Jafar kiss, plus her backstory is a little on the lacking, hence the # 11 rating.

12) Jane Porter- Tarzan
Okay, so this one was difficult for me as well...cause really who falls for an Ape Man who can barely speak English and is probably filthy? Yuck. But this girl is smart, she reads and is into science and doesn't let anyone tell her what to do. She is out in the middle of the Jungle studying Gorillas, after all. The villain in this doesn't really care about her, he wants to capture the gorillas, she doesn't have a side kick and she doesn't sing. They don't really go much into her backstory either, but it makes sense because Tarzan, is really the main character of this movie. While I am not sure how much of a lesson is learned by Jane, I must say this, "Girl's got balls."

13) Merida- Brave
Alright, I know I am gonna get shit for this. "Why is Merida so far down? She doesn't have a boyfriend, she's strong, independent, wants her own way..." Blah blah blah....Sure. Merida can use a sword and a bow, she rides a horse, reigns in her little brothers, there is no man saving her, this was ALL Merida's story. No real sidekick (unless you count her mom the bear), doesn't sing and we don't have to deal with a love story or really a villain at all. However, hear me out. Merida is the villain of this story. She is why her mom is turned into a bear, she is disrespectful of her mother and it annoyed the crap out of me. The lesson she had to learn was to love and respect her mom, and it's almost too late.

14) Wendy Darling- PeterPan
I chose Wendy as  # 14 instead of someone a little more well liked for several reasons. Wendy takes care of her two brothers, while being forced to grow up when she is still a little girl. She deals with a over bearing dad and a quiet prim and proper mom. She is then basically kidnapped (voice of reason if you remember) and taken to an island where she is expected to be a mother to a bunch of dirty boys. She is almost drowned by mermaids, betrayed by a bratty fairy and taken hostage by pirates and forced to walk the plank. The main bad guy couldnt care less about her and just wants revenge on Peter. Wendy doesn't have a true sidekick to rely on, nor does she do a ton of singing. She handles all this with great poise and attitude, a true lady in the face of danger, she makes good choices and tries to save everyone. She realizes, at the end, that growing up is not so bad as she thought and convinces her brothers they must return home.

15) Lilo Pelekai- Lilo and Stitch
Sorry this one is a cop out. I don't like this movie. But I am aware this heroine is a bratty, spunky little girl with a mind of her own. Alien side kick, check, no real singing, check....Likes to surf, check, not real nice to her sister; check, no love interest or man so; check.  Interesting dead parents being raised by big sister back story and the bad guys don't care about her, they want Stitch. So I have chosen to stick her right here on # 15, good a place as any.

16) Cinderella
I have a soft spot for Cinderella. A lot of people don't like her cause she has a man rescue her from her abusive family and her story is all about insta love and going to a party. However I choose to look at it like this; she manages to keep a smile even though she is being emotionally and mentally abused by women who are supposed to be her family, both her parents are dead and her only friends are talking mice and some birds, a scrawny dog and a old horse...even the family cat hates her. She has taught herself to cook, clean, sew, make a fire, feed and care for livestock...all things she probably didn't know how to do cause she grew up rich. In the face of despair we only see her break down the one time. I find her to be a strong and suitable role model, I mean if I was in her shoes I sure as hell would marry the first man willing to take me away.

17) Esmerelda- Hunchback of Notre Dame
Another cop out for me cause I hated this movie too. Music bad, plot bad, backstory for characters bad and just a really horrible remake of this tale. The villain is creepy but not creepy enough, but still a little too pervy for a kids movie. Esmerelda is a free spirited gypsy with a goat side kick. She speaks her mind, but even after all she has been through falls for the pretty face instead of a nice guy. So here she is at number 17, simply because I didn't know where else to put her.

18)Ariel- The Little Mermaid
Ariel is at 18 because while I love her tendency to be a hoarder, her unconditional love for everyone and abundance of curiosity. This is one stupid bitch. She makes a pact with a sea witch simply for love, a pact that almost kills her father, since of course the villain could care less about her, no she has a huge grudge on Daddy Triton. She does have three sidekicks that are really awesome, and her singing voice is to die for. Her backstory is kind of whiny and she does fall in love with a guy she sees only once. I am not sure what Ariel learned at the end of her story, except maybe what family is really all about, the true meaning behind those who really love you...

19) Aurora- Sleeping Beauty
Look, I love this movie, but the girl is pretty personality-less. She's mean to her Godmothers, acts like a spoiled child, falls in love with the first guy she meets and then lives happily ever after when he rescues her from a curse. The villain hates her cause of a party invite foul up and is the coolest part of this movie. Sure Aurora has a great singing voice and animals side kicks, but that's what happens when magical fairies can give you any gift and the ones they choose and song and beauty. LAME

20) Snow White- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
I try not to be too hard on Snow White, because the character is between 14-16 years old and pretty sheltered. However, when ranking them it's only obvious she belongs at the bottom, even if her tale is one of my personal favorites. Her parents die and her step mom treats her like trash, and even after being uses as a slave she manages to keep a smile on her face. She does however fall for the first man she ever meets and allows seven other men to treat her like a maid (she's a run away little girl for heavens sake help her, don't make her clean your house!) I give her props for having to wander through a scary forest all night by herself, I wouldn't want to do that. But as my daughter once told me, "She's stupid, who takes food from strangers?" What lesson does she learn at the end, aside from a man will save you from your own stupidity?

21) Tinker Bell- Peterpan and Various Tinkerbell movies
Tinkerbell annoys me. She is vindictive, mean, only thinks about herself and constantly gets her friends and other fairies (and herself) in trouble.  She is headstrong and willful, but mostly she just doesn't' think, she acts first. She has no fun sidekick, doesn't sing, has the barest minimum of a backstory (depending on if you ONLY watch Peterpan) doesn't have a love interest, though is jealous of any woman Peter is interested in. Her only saving grace is she ALWAYS learns a lesson at the end of her movies, something moral usually. I have seen way too many of these movies, but that's what happens when you have two daughters.

22) Alice- Alice in Wonderland
Last and certainly the least,  Alice. I hate her. she is stupid, whiny and thoughtless. She complains about not having adventure in her life and when she gets it all she does is spout annoying statement after annoying statement. She pisses off pretty much everyone she meets in Wonderland, doesn't listen to anyone's advice and makes dumb decisions constantly. Her story is so boring there's no love interest, the one song she kind of sings sucks, her back story is lame, she doesn't have any friends and the only lesson she learns is to be content with what she has...Barf.

Well I hope you enjoyed! Bright Blessings.