As you know I am a plus size woman...a fat girl...have been my whole life and probably will continue to be so. I have chosen this year to get fit...Not lose weight, I hate that term, lose weight means diets and means agonizing over the scale and the size of your pants. When really it should be about whether or not you FEEL good inside your own skin.
I have gained some weight. I am not ashamed to say it. After the birth of my last son I am standing at 5 foot 8 and 315 pounds, my heaviest weight since January 2011. My goal is in the next two years to reach 250.00, before Boo and I try to have another baby. However, my real goal is to feel good naked again, to feel sexy and not just in a picture that I have taken three times with everything "just right."
I am a beautiful woman, I've always known that. I am allowed to say I am beautiful, that I have great skin, a warm smile, pretty eyes and awesome hair. I don't mind how I look physically most days, but it's those days where I look at myself and go, "ugh how does Boo not flinch when he looks at me naked" that have to stop. My anxiety and depression disorders do not help, neither does being on my period or having a night where the baby doesn't sleep...
I tried Weight Watchers in January (because when I was 18 I lost 50lbs on the program) and couldn't do it...not because I don't have the discipline, but because I have an eating disorder, there I have admitted it. I am bulimic. You might be thinking, "sure, *snort* fat girls cannot be bulimic." And you would be so wrong it's not even funny. ANYONE can have an eating disorder, and I do mean anyone. In fact bulimia can cause weight gain because your body starts hoarding food since it is not getting nutrition.
I have always had a touch of binge eating and bulimia. I would find myself gorging at a party and that heavy feeling in my stomach would make me panic with thoughts like, "OMG how much weight is that cake going to cause me to gain?" I would rush to the bathroom and purge. I have spent years trying to get over that feeling and just be normal with my eating habits. Weight Watchers accelerated the bulimia in a horrible way. Thinking every day about every single thing I ate, weighing, measuring, counting points and over analyzing just made me feel worse to the point of panic.
"If I eat this toast with butter and jam, plus have coffee with cream and sugar...I won't be able to have lunch AND eat with my family tonight the ribs we are making from scratch." Cause on WW even foods you would think are healthy have high points. (example 6 oz of braised ribs and a salad) One night out with the girls and BAM all your "extra" points for the week are gone. One birthday party, one slice of my mom's cheesecake....One handful of Christmas candy....and it doesn't matter all the veggies, fruits and whole grains you have been limiting yourself to. I would go one point over and guilt, shame and defeat would run through my thoughts until I felt even more depressed then where I started.
I began obsessing over my scale, getting on it several times a day; morning, night, clothes on, clothes off, before eating, after eating, before a purge, after a purge...It never ended until I was sitting on the toilet one day thinking about something I haven't in over a year...the razor I keep in my room for self harm... Thinking I didn't deserve my husband, that I was too fat, too ugly too.... Then I stopped. I put on something comfortable and went into the living room and canceled my Weight Watchers account. I went to work that night and started doing research of plus size fashion, plus size bloggers and discovered some amazing things.
I WASN'T ALONE.
There are dozens of beautiful plus size women out there who wear the fashion they want when they want and have shown me so many new websites and stores that sell fashion forward and beautiful clothing that will fit me, that I actually like...You know places aside from Lane Bryant and Torrid, which I love, but get tired of. They are really expensive.
They love their bodies, they curves, their FAT!!! They feel wonderful and proud of themselves and flaunt that fact. I wanted to BE them.
Then I found curvy girl yoga, yoga made for fat girls who can't always get into a head stand or Crow position and have a hard time staying in Downward Dog longer than a few minutes. I went to a class with an amazing teacher, Debbie, and felt better about myself in one hour than I had in a month. I realized I had found a work out routine that I actually enjoyed. I signed up quickly for a 30 day Yoga challenge and a 14 Day Yoga Shred with www.doyouyoga.com and while some days things happen and I can't do it I try really hard to stay on task.
So I made some changes to my life. I have done 20 + minutes of yoga 18 out of 29 days this month. I had my best friend hide my scale and I bought some clothes that make me feel beautiful. I stopped paying attention to what I eat and by that I mean I try to have smaller portions, cut out a ton of fast food, junk food and soda and try to make healthier food choices. However, if I have Taco Bell one day or eat some cake, or eat a plate of chili cheese fries with my husband, I don't freak out about it...I don't panic or worry or berate myself for being a fat loser. I simply live, love myself and enjoy my family and life...because it's a pretty good one.
Do I still have days full of self doubt? Moments of body hate and feelings of despair over how I look in the mirror? Sure, it's only been a month, this is a slow start to being the perfect me I can be. When I feel like this though, now I know where to go, what to look at and whose blog to read to inspire me and remind me to take a deep breath and remember, "no one is perfect, your weight does not define you." Skinny does NOT = healthy. I have a few health problems and NONE of them have to do with my weight, thank you very much so #effyourbeautystandards and #redefinebeauty
This is my journey, you can join me on it and support me, or you can get off at the next stop.
Links to Inspire
Body Positive Yoga
Fashion BlogsCup Cake Clothes
Lovin My Curves
When in Doubt Wear Purple
It's Your Life Style It
And I Get Dressed
Girl With Curves
The Curvy Girl Style
Fashion Love and Martinis
Plus Size BlogsMookie