Monday, December 29, 2014

A Year in Reflection



As the New Year approaches I find myself thinking back to everything that happened this year. I got married, my sister had a baby and gave her up for adoption. My sister was diagnosis with Tuberous sclerosis, a form of epilepsy that causes tumors to form in her brain and causes seizures. My grandmother passed away this year and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy..... So much happened that I hope next year, 2015, in much MUCH quieter.

But as I thought about my year, the ups and downs, the babies, the fights the laughter....My husband and children really are my brightest blessings. This got me to thinking about my Boo, his smile, laugh, quirks....how I can't stay mad at him for long...how he is brilliant, funny, sweet, loyal and kind... It made me wonder...Can I make a list of all the things I KNOW he likes? Could he make a list about me? Can you make a list about your significant other? Or ANY of the people in your life? How does one measure how WELL we know someone?

Is it their stories? Their past? Their hopes and dreams? Does knowing these things equal up to knowing a person? Does knowing their wants and desires, what they like on their hamburger or how they take their ice tea the definition of whether or not you know someone well? Can you love someone and not know them, or not know EVERYTHING about them? Is the past really the past? How much does what you have done in the past affect your future?

I have friends who have done horrible things, possibly things I don't even know about....and I don't care...the things I DO know about my friends is why I love them...Now of course there are things I would draw the line at....Pedophile, Rape, Murder (under certain circumstances) really conservative tea party politics (sorry). However my unconditional love flows over a lot of rocks and bumps and under a ton of bridges. I would hope my friends feel the same for me, that no matter if I am a liar, a gossip, a manipulator, a door matt, a bitch, a cry baby...that the things we do together, conversations we have had, good and bad times shared, moments gone through....I would hope all of these things mattered more than something that might have happened years before. That you might feel guilty about, refuse to think about or not even care you did.

Everyone has secrets and they deserve not to be judged by them. I know the people I love all have secrets, things they feel ashamed about or guilty of. Pondering these questions made me realize. I DONT FUCKING CARE. The people I love, I love for who they are now and when they are with me....Stupid? I don't think so, everyone deserves love, friendship and family and to have somethings kept private and forgotten about.

Humans are not naturally good, we can choose to be good, but we all have the ability to do bad and evil things. We judge ourselves about the "bad" we do on concepts like: "Will I got to Heaven?"  "What would so and so say if they knew?" But really isn't it about how YOU feel about yourself....I have always known I am not such a good person, I have done bad things I regret, that cause me moments of guilt and panic (anxiety disorder enter here). Then I stop myself and think, "isn't the fact I feel bad what's important here?" "Did I ruin someone's whole life with that act? And if I did, did I do it on purpose?" "Compared to Hitler, Ted Bundy and Nixon, is what I did or said really that bad or evil?"

I also have to look at how others view me...which I hate saying because it's really NOT about what others think about you....However, when you have people who tell you, "you put up with that a lot longer than I would have." or "Why do you even pick up the phone, you're too nice." or even, "everyone knows you will be there if something bad happens."  Maybe I am not as horrible as I view myself? Maybe it is true: you are your own worse critic.

I am constantly trying to improve myself, be a better version of me...What if that's the flaw and I should just embrace my awful parts and my beautiful parts?....Maybe things are not as black and white as hero and villain. I am not saying that I should stop telling the truth or let my anger get the better of me...I am saying if I lie, if I lose my temper, maybe I shouldn't beat myself up over it anymore and just love who I am, flaws and all....I can be a prideful, sarcastic, lying, manipulative, angry, selfish bitch....I can also be a loyal, loving, funny, romantic, creative, beautiful mother, wife, daughter and friend. Which is the real me? They both are.

  So with that Happy New Years and Bright Blessings to you all.

Bonus:
Can you list 20 things about your romantic partner that they like? Can you list it about your Best Friend? Try it and see where it takes you.

I gave it a try and here's how I did.

My Boo likes:

Reading
Going to the Library
Baking Bread
Trying new places to eat
Anything French
The color red
Dogs
Star Trek
Listening to conspiracy theory podcasts
Playing Candy Crush
Seventh Samurai (movie)
Casablanca (movie)
Mystery novels (especially the noir kind)
Loose leaf tea
Old fashioned pirate type ships and explorers like in Treasure Island
Political Blogs
Dinosaurs
Museums
Religious History
Bird watching

My Best Friend Turtle likes:

Turtles
The Color blue
Goats
Red-tailed Hawks
Reading
Swimming/the water
Princess Bride
LoTR and Hobbit
Cats
The scent of Lavender
Dragons
Writing
Country Music
Les Miserables (The Musical)
Knitting
Being and Auntie
The Moon
The Summer
Pansies
Arizona Green Tea



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