Monday, December 29, 2014
As the New Year approaches I find myself thinking back to everything that happened this year. I got married, my sister had a baby and gave her up for adoption. My sister was diagnosis with Tuberous sclerosis, a form of epilepsy that causes tumors to form in her brain and causes seizures. My grandmother passed away this year and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy..... So much happened that I hope next year, 2015, in much MUCH quieter.
But as I thought about my year, the ups and downs, the babies, the fights the laughter....My husband and children really are my brightest blessings. This got me to thinking about my Boo, his smile, laugh, quirks....how I can't stay mad at him for long...how he is brilliant, funny, sweet, loyal and kind... It made me wonder...Can I make a list of all the things I KNOW he likes? Could he make a list about me? Can you make a list about your significant other? Or ANY of the people in your life? How does one measure how WELL we know someone?
Is it their stories? Their past? Their hopes and dreams? Does knowing these things equal up to knowing a person? Does knowing their wants and desires, what they like on their hamburger or how they take their ice tea the definition of whether or not you know someone well? Can you love someone and not know them, or not know EVERYTHING about them? Is the past really the past? How much does what you have done in the past affect your future?
I have friends who have done horrible things, possibly things I don't even know about....and I don't care...the things I DO know about my friends is why I love them...Now of course there are things I would draw the line at....Pedophile, Rape, Murder (under certain circumstances) really conservative tea party politics (sorry). However my unconditional love flows over a lot of rocks and bumps and under a ton of bridges. I would hope my friends feel the same for me, that no matter if I am a liar, a gossip, a manipulator, a door matt, a bitch, a cry baby...that the things we do together, conversations we have had, good and bad times shared, moments gone through....I would hope all of these things mattered more than something that might have happened years before. That you might feel guilty about, refuse to think about or not even care you did.
Everyone has secrets and they deserve not to be judged by them. I know the people I love all have secrets, things they feel ashamed about or guilty of. Pondering these questions made me realize. I DONT FUCKING CARE. The people I love, I love for who they are now and when they are with me....Stupid? I don't think so, everyone deserves love, friendship and family and to have somethings kept private and forgotten about.
Humans are not naturally good, we can choose to be good, but we all have the ability to do bad and evil things. We judge ourselves about the "bad" we do on concepts like: "Will I got to Heaven?" "What would so and so say if they knew?" But really isn't it about how YOU feel about yourself....I have always known I am not such a good person, I have done bad things I regret, that cause me moments of guilt and panic (anxiety disorder enter here). Then I stop myself and think, "isn't the fact I feel bad what's important here?" "Did I ruin someone's whole life with that act? And if I did, did I do it on purpose?" "Compared to Hitler, Ted Bundy and Nixon, is what I did or said really that bad or evil?"
I also have to look at how others view me...which I hate saying because it's really NOT about what others think about you....However, when you have people who tell you, "you put up with that a lot longer than I would have." or "Why do you even pick up the phone, you're too nice." or even, "everyone knows you will be there if something bad happens." Maybe I am not as horrible as I view myself? Maybe it is true: you are your own worse critic.
I am constantly trying to improve myself, be a better version of me...What if that's the flaw and I should just embrace my awful parts and my beautiful parts?....Maybe things are not as black and white as hero and villain. I am not saying that I should stop telling the truth or let my anger get the better of me...I am saying if I lie, if I lose my temper, maybe I shouldn't beat myself up over it anymore and just love who I am, flaws and all....I can be a prideful, sarcastic, lying, manipulative, angry, selfish bitch....I can also be a loyal, loving, funny, romantic, creative, beautiful mother, wife, daughter and friend. Which is the real me? They both are.
So with that Happy New Years and Bright Blessings to you all.
Can you list 20 things about your romantic partner that they like? Can you list it about your Best Friend? Try it and see where it takes you.
I gave it a try and here's how I did.
My Boo likes:
Going to the Library
Trying new places to eat
The color red
Listening to conspiracy theory podcasts
Playing Candy Crush
Seventh Samurai (movie)
Mystery novels (especially the noir kind)
Loose leaf tea
Old fashioned pirate type ships and explorers like in Treasure Island
My Best Friend Turtle likes:
The Color blue
LoTR and Hobbit
The scent of Lavender
Les Miserables (The Musical)
Being and Auntie
Arizona Green Tea
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Now a lot of people have started saying things like Happy Holidays, as to not offend anyone....I don't really care, it's the spirit BEHIND those words that mean the most to me....not the words themselves.
People also get all upiddity about saying Merry X-Mas....How it takes the Christ out of Christmas....I could counter argue that...but I shouldn't';t have to. Not everyone thinks Christmas is about Christ and you shouldn't force your crap on someone else or automatically assume they are saying it to insult you. They probably just didn't want to type or text out Merry Christmas.
All that being said, most Christian traditions are actually pagan. So here is a list of the top ten traditions most Christians practice and how they are actually Pagan (or just have nothing to do with the birth of Jesus).This is not meant to offend, I don't really care if you are Christian or not...I do care you respect other people and their own reasons for celebrating this holiday season.
On a scale from one to ten, one being the best tradition ever and ten being the lamest:
10.) Hanging and kissing under the Mistletoe
Mistletoe was considered a magical plant in Pagan lore. It was said to give fertility, life and protection and was sacred. It was gathered at summer and winter solstices and it was said to ward against evil spirits when used to decorate one’s home. This can be linked back to the Festival of Saturnalia and other Greek and Roman marriage rites.Saturnalia was the celebration of Saturn, the Roman God of sowing or seeds. It was a seven day festival in December where work and business was suspended and slaves given temporary freedom.
9.) Stringing up Lights
Ancient pagans lit bonfires and candles on the winter solstice and the holidays around it to celebrate the return of the light.
8.)Using Holly and Ivy for Decorations
Decorating with holly and ivy is an ancient pagan tradition and was used by the Romans to decorate at Saturnalia celebrations.
7.)Red and Green as Christmas Colors
Green because Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe are plants used during winter celebrations for thousands of years. It brightens up a home in the dark winter months. Red is used now-a-days because of the berries from the Holly plant and Santa’s suit, not really Pagan as such, but not Christian either.
6.) The Yule Log
There are a few Yule Log origin stories. In Northern Europe, Winter festivals were considered to be a Feast of the Dead, complete with ceremonies full of spirits, devils. Burning bonfires and special wood helped keep away the evil spirits. The origins of the Yule Log can be also be traced back to the Midwinter festivals, where Noresmen would feast and drink while burning fire in the hearth, toasting to health. To most Europeans burning the log for at least 12 hours would bring protection from evil and the ashes were spread over the fields and in wells to bring fertility and purification. Ashes were also used in charms to ward off storms and get rid of vermin.
5.)Celebrating on December 25th
When the Church came in and basically took over they changed many Pagan holidays to match Christian ones to make the transition easier and more appealing. For Christmas they took the Winter Soltice, or Yule and decided, “hey let’s make this Christmas, Christ’s birthday celebration.” (Not the exact words, by the by.) Due to certain passages in the bible most scholars believe Jesus wasn’t even born in the winter, that he was a spring or summer baby
During the winter solstice people would hang boughs of pine, spruce and fir over their doors and windows to keep away evil, evergreen plants and trees also reminded them that even though it was winter and the Sun God was gone he would come again. Ancient Egyptians used green palm rushes to symbolize life over death, Romans used evergreen boughs in their homes during Saturnalia and the Druids used them as symbols of everlasting life. Though Christians did start the tradition of decorating the tree in the 16th century.
3.) Santa Claus
The oldest story is from 280 A.D in Turkey, it is stated he was a monk, turned Saint, but I could find no mention of who gave him saint hood, or what the original name was. The main story was he was a guy who saved sisters from being raped and gave all his worldly belongings to the poor. You also have Sinter Klaas in Dutch, Kris Kringle for the Swiss and Germany. In Scandinavia he is thought to be an elf named Jultomten who is in a sleigh pulled by goats. The English call him Father Christmas, Pere Noel is French and in Russia he is an old woman named Babouschka. In Italy she is a kind old witch who rides a broomstick and gives toys. Depending on the area and year the myth originates most of the origin stories for Santa change, some adding Jesus or Christianity, some not.
2.)Krampus- The Evil Santa Christmas Devil
A half goat, half demon beast who beats people into being naughty or nice. He is said to be the son of Hel from Norse Mythology, a horrible Hag, Goddess of the Underworld. He shows up on December 6th and steals children away who have been wicked.
1.) The Giving and Receiving of Gifts
In Ancient Rome gifts were given on New Year’s instead of during Saturnalia in celebration of the fertitlity Goddess Strenia, Goddess of the New Year and Purification. Pagans gave gifts during Yule
. These gifts were normally more simply, celebrating fertility through wheat, alcohol and vegetables. Early church leaders actually tried to ban the practice and since the people wouldn’t let this specific tradition go they justified it by saying, “the three wise men gave gifts so we can too.”
-Christmas Caroling is a totally CHRISTIAN tradition. Read about the really interesting history here
So Merry Christmas Everyone! Or whatever Winter Holiday you choose. Be kind, be safe and be happy. Bright Blessings!!
Sunday, November 16, 2014
So I have been watching Supernatural for a while now, I have basically watched all 9 seasons plus the first five episodes of season 10.
Now there are some things I really like about this program: Dean, the funny one liners, Dean, the sarcasm, the cheese, Dean, the music, the monster of the week vibe, Dean, the campy episodes, the special effects, how some of it is legit scary oh and did I mention Dean?
But I have a love hate relationship with this series because I cannot get past several things:
1) Sam- not only does he spend the entire show whining and unable to take care of himself, but more than half the time he is the reason they are in trouble. He doesn't appreciate his brother and he is the angstiest dude I have ever seen on television. (Though the name thing really throws me since he was DEAN on Gilmore Girls first lol )
2) The angel, heaven, hell, demon epic good versus evil battle thing. Fine Dean gets raised from Hell by Cas, but then there is all that Cas trying to be God, Levithan, Lucifer battle, Metatron, angels fall bull shit. Seriously I skipped most of season 4-7.It was easy, just watch the first few minutes of every show, they RECAP it all, every time.
3) The boy melodrama (Or BM scene lol) sorry but I can't get past the dueling brooding that appears in every episode. Sometimes life and TV need humor without having to have a serious in the car where is our life going moment. Dean is less moody than Sam, but sometimes the two of them seem to be fighting over who is more butt hurt.
4) But my biggest pet peeve has been this; Supernatural hates witches. I have been going back and watching episodes I skipped cause they sounded boring.... (and I was mostly right) and there have been four so far which paint witches and pagans in a very bad light. Apparently in this show pagans have killer Gods (and not the normal kind you just sacrifice to, but ones that actively hunt and kill you), they create The Craft like covens who have instant access to black magic and do horrible things with no consequences, or simply like to curse/kill people to raise demons.
Why can't the witch be the good guy? Why is it always all magic is evil. Dean is quoted as saying, "I hate Witches." I get making vampires, shape shifters, werewolves and demons evil...The lore is against them and there are not these things in the modern world, but there are witches and it offends me that in a show like this magic workers are almost always cast in a bad light. That doesn't help my and my fellow witches image out here in the real world. It is tough enough getting Christians (and everyone else) to believe I am not a Satan worshiping, virgin sacrificing goat killer without popular media making me look bad.
Maybe they could have a good witch help them out? That'd be awesome.
The following are my recommendations for the top episodes of Supernatural. These are the ones you watch if you don't want too much drama, angst or serious story line, these are either actually scary or just a lot of fun.
Bloody Mary- explores the legend
Hook Man- Explores the old Urban Legend
Asylum- Haunted Asylum
Scarecrow- A town sacrifices couples to an old god so they can have a happy town
Route 666- Killer truck
Hell House- haunted house
Something Wicked- Creepy thing attacking children
Provenance- Killer painting
No Exit- H.H. Holmes, America's First Serial Killer
Play Things- Haunted Inn
Tall Tales- Trickster God and urban legends
Hollywood Babylon- Haunted film set in California, horror movie with real ghosts
The Kids Are Alright- changeling kids who feed on their moms
Bad Day and Black Rock- cursed unlucky rabbits foot
Bedtimes Stories- fairy tale retellings
Red Sky in the Morning- ghost ship
Ghostfacers- haunted house and a reality TV ghost hunter show
Monster Movie- in black and white, old horror monsters are coming alive to kill people
Family Remains- creepy kids in the walls of an old farm house
The Monster at the End of this Book- Supernatural is really a book series too?
Fallen Idols- a God pretending to be famous people is killing.
The Real Ghost Busters- a Supernatural convention inside a real haunted house
My Bloody Valentine- You see a half naked cupid in this episode and lovers eat each other
The French Mistake- the boys are in a reality TV show
Frontierland- Boys go back in time to the wild wild west
Time for a Wedding- someone casts a love spell on Sam
The Slice Girls- killer amazons...need I say more?
Out With the Old- cursed objects kill people, like curses ballet shoes
Of Grave Importance- giant haunted mansion with spooky ghost
Bitten- Found footage style about werewolves
Hunter Heroici- murders made to look like cartoons
LARP and the Real Girl- murders taking place during a large LARPing event
Slumber Party- Wizard of Oz Retelling
Rock and a Hard Place- Virgins are being killed by Hestia
The Purge- fat sucking creatures at a health spa
#Thinman- a Slender man rip off by Ghostfacers
Bloodlines- Mafia Monster Familys run Chicago
Fan Fiction- 200 Episode, all girls school putting on a Supernatural Musical
Monday, November 10, 2014
So recently in the news a video made headlines. A woman walking around, silently, in New York is harassed more than 100 times by men of various creeds, and creepiness.
Video can be viewed here at Hollaback Awesome Street Harassment Video
Now the video does have some faults, but basically in a crude way it shows how women are treated simply walking down the street.
Video did cut out white guys making it look like men of color did the majority of harassment, they did apologize and this fun article shows that in the end it didn't matter:
A Hollaback response video
I have heard people say, "well some of the comments were nice, or not nasty." That is besides the point. As a person (any sex or race) it is your right to walk to work, the public transport, a store etc..etc... without being harassed whether the person harassing you thinks that they are. Just like sexual harassment this type of street harassment is subject to the victim's point of view. Just because you think telling a woman, "hey lady why don't you smile!" is a compliment doesn't mean that to her it isn't unwanted attention.
Here is a great article detailing the definition of street harassment: What is Street Harassment?
As a woman (especially a plus size woman) I know what it's like to walk down the street and be told to smile, even if you don't want to and if you don't comply to be told you must be a bitch or "too good" to smile at some ass hole who decided the street was a appropriate place to a) pick up a date or b)to talk to a strange woman. Or sometimes worse, decide to call me fat or ugly...Why? Just cause.
It doesn't matter what we do as women, keep our heads down, smile, wear boring baggy clothes, wear sexy clothes, talk back, ignore.....The comments, leers and rude gestures keep coming. This is why many women travel in packs; safety in numbers my friend, safety in numbers.
Women should be concerned, it's not like guys cat call other guys. In fact if a man said to another man, "hey dude, lovin that wife beater style, yo!" He would get his ass kicked. In fact a recent twitter account has been created to show what I mean. #dudesgreetingdudes
Men like to say that they would be fine if women turned the tables and I have two responses to that. 1) I have done it and men get just as embarrassed or become very mean, quickly or 2) they enjoy it because sadly most men are sexist pigs who would love nothing more than to have a strange women compliment his package size or "hotness".
As a woman I have this to say to men, "do not approach us on the street, in our cars, at the supermarket, with our friends, with our family, with our children. It's not appropriate and we don't appreciate it." The rules to this are acceptable social situations where women like to have said attention. Bars, meet ups, single's activities, a date, speed dating etc.. We have had it ingrained in us that if you approach, most women will automatically assume you are a rapist/mugger/beggar/creeper/stalker/asshole and will avoid you like the plague.
I had one guy tell me it was his first amendment right to say what he liked to a woman. Well here's a fun tip for you. The first amendment is Freedom Speech, not Freedom to be a douche bag.
The Amendment was adopted on December 15, 1791. The Amendment states:
- Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Obscenity (which is defined as "the average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that the [subject or work in question], taken as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest" and (2) "depicts or describes, in a patently offensive way, contemporary community standards, sexual conduct defined by the applicable state law" and (3) "the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value". Some subsidiary components of this rule may permit private possession of obscene materials at one's home. Additionally, the phrase "appeals to the prurient interest" is limited to appeals to a "shameful or morbid interest in sex), child pornography laws, slander, immediate intent to do violence, threats, offensive speech (defined as speech might be unprotected if it either intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly inflicts severe emotional distress or if the other person perceives it as such), copy rights (or the works of others), and commercial speech.
So actually street harassment is forbidden by the first amendment the moment a woman takes it as a threat, offensive or as an obscenity, so be real careful what you say when calling out to a woman and using this as your argument.
Basically if you wouldn't want someone saying it to your mother, daughter, sister, aunt or grandma keep it to yourself. Or better yet if you don't know the lady keep yourself. 9 times out of 10 I don't take comments from strangers as compliments, I take them as unwanted and intrusive. So please help stop street harassment for everyone
Some Street Harassment Facts
Interesting Jezebel Article
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Birth Story of our son.
Our son was born at 7:27 pm on 09/14/2014, weighing six pounds 14 ounces and 20 inches long.
So, because I was a VBAC patient my doctor would not allow me to go to more than 41 weeks before scheduling an induction. I wasn’t happy with it knowing that contractions with an induction are always ten times more painful than normal contractions and my hope to have a natural birth was possibly not going to happen. Also inductions fail 40 % of the time so the increased chance of a c-section and of placental abruption goes up too.
I did everything possible to induce labor at home, I played hopscotch, jumped rope, had sex, ate spicy food, ate egg plant Parmesan, drank castor oil (YUCK!), went for long walks, had Reiki, had labor inducing massage, used holistic medication, took primrose oil, drank raspberry leaf tea and had my membranes stripped four times. Alas nothing worked.
Sunday morning at 7:30 am I checked into the L and D department, it took two hours before they hooked me up to the Pitocin. My husband was there as was my Doula. For three hours I handled the contractions like a champ, breathing through the pain, welcoming each rush just like Ina May taught me. I tried to relax and focus on opening up like a flower. My husband massaged my back, told me he loved me, that I was beautiful and that I was doing a wonderful job, that I was amazing. My Doula played with my hair, reminding me to stay loose, that I was strong and great. Without them I don’t know how I would have gotten through the first three hours.
My doctor came in and checked me, said I had dilated to a four and that rupturing my bag of waters would speed my labor up. I agreed and had them place internal monitors on the baby so that they could check him out and I could move around more freely. Having my BOW broken was seriously gross, just one more nasty thing that happens during pregnancy and makes me really glad my husband loves me and thinks I am beautiful no matter what.
I labored for another hour or so after that unmedicated and made no change. At this time I opted to have the epidural, I felt like I had failed, but the contractions were so painful and they were coming so close together I was exhausted and near tears, my anxiety level through the roof. After the epidural I they turned off the pitocin and I continued to labor. After I slept for a little over an hour they checked me, still no progress. This was especially frustrating since my Bishop score had been a 6 and my cervix was favorable towards the induction.
They turned back on the pitocin and after about forty five minutes turned it back off. My baby was having lates, where the baby’s heart rate drops after the contraction, and it looked like he was not handling labor well and they were concerned that he was not going to do well if we continued the induction. My doctor, who was totally pro VBAC told me we needed to have a c- section and they were worried my baby was in distress. I asked for evidence based care before consenting to the c- section and was given it. In fact the entire staff at my hospital was pleasant and pro my birth plan and choices.
I was taken into the OR and strapped in. I was cold, anxious and nauseated. I threw up on the operating table and my loving husband who is so perfect and good didn’t even flinch, he just cleaned up the puke from my hair and the side of my face. My husband was great, he talked to me about nonsense to distract me during the surgery. He then watched them pull our little boy out of my body (which really is the oddest sensation.) Our little Goblin started crying before he was even at the clean up table with the nurses. I got skin to skin contact while Boo held him next to my chest as they sewed me up. It was then I started to shake uncontrollably, I told Boo to take him to the nursery as much as I wanted him kept with me.
My Doula came into the OR to stay with me. I basically went into shock, I was so cold my jaw ached from trying to keep it from chattering, every part of me was frozen and shaking. I could only whisper because words wouldn’t come out in normal tones. I was taken back to my room where my mom, dad and Doula were. They had to put warm blankets on me three different times until my shaking became something controllable.
I was starving by that time, but because I had been sick so many times they didn’t want me to eat. After I held down ice chips and water I drank down two cups of chicken broth which was the best thing I had ever eaten. It was very stressful and traumatic for me. I mean it is major surgery and my reaction to the drugs and surgery were pretty horrible, I didn’t hold Little Precious for almost more than an hour after I got into the recovery room. However my Little Precious was born perfect though smaller than I would have thought.
The nursing staff was excellent, my husband was wonderfully supportive and my Doula a gift from the Goddess. Over all still a better experience than my youngest daughter’s birth.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Baby Bump Update # 3
So I am now 37 weeks pregnant and ready for it to be over. Jareth has dropped down and is engaged and I am having tons of false labor contractions known as Braxton Hicks, preparing my uterus for labor. I am eating dates and drinking red raspberry leaf tea as well to help the process.
I am tired all the time and when I am not hungry I am nauseous. I am currently two pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant, but since I am plus size that isn’t that big a deal.
My best friend Turtle threw me a bomb ass baby shower this past Saturday and I got some amazing gifts from my friends and family, Boo’s family especially since they are all so damned crafty.
Boo tells me he is finally ready for the baby to come and is excited. I will be excited to not have to pee six times in one night. LOL Boo freezes at night and the electricity bill is ridiculously high since I am always so dang warm. Also he would really like me to make Tacos for dinner and the thought seriously sickens me,
I have written a birth plan, we are doing a non medicated VBAC and have enlisted my good friend as a doula. I am very much looking forward to another natural birth like my first daughter.
So please little baby, it’s time to come now. Your mama is miserable and needs to no longer be pregnant.
Now onto something else:
I have been very sickened by watching the news and politics again. I hate harping on women’s rights over and over but I am tired of seeing more abortion and women’s health clinics being shut down and people thinking that it is any body’s business but the person making the decision about abortion and birth control. Personhood laws are crap. I am a pregnant woman and I can state with certainty that this baby was not a person until about two months ago. Even then, had he had something horribly wrong with him, like his skull was missing I would have had an abortion.
This is not just an American problem. A woman in Ireland tried to commit suicide rather than have her RAPISTS baby! And the law system there made her have it. She is currently under psychiatric care and has had no contact with her baby. What kind of world are we living in that a woman who is raped does not have the option to terminate thepregnancy? I will answer that. The kind of world where if you HAVE the kid your rapist can than sue for visitation and custody, that’s right.
Also I am sick to death of people bitching about women who breast feed in public. Who cares? You damn pervert! Let the lady feed her child and if it disgusts you turn away. No one makes you put a blanket over your head when you eat and Goddess knows enough humans eat like sloppy gross pigs. It is NOT offensive, it is simply a woman feeding her child, a child that a bunch of people would bitch about if she let scream because he or she was hungry. If I have to see guys without their shirts on (most that SHOULD NOT BE) the American people can deal with a woman breast feeding her baby. We don’t need to cover up and we don’t need to go somewhere else. It is a natural healthy thing to do and NO ONE should have any say in it except the mother and child.
Well that’s my update and rant for today. Hope you have a lovely rest of your week and Bright Blessings
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
My grandma passed away Sunday August 3rd almost exactly a month shy of her 88th birthday. She had been in a home for a while and was slowly declining. At the end she was doped up on pain killers, didn’t speak, couldn’t feed herself or even get out of bed, so it was a good thing and her time.
I have not felt as sad as I thought I would, mainly because I have been preparing for this for over a year now and I know my grandma. I know she would have hated and been embarrassed to have other people take care of her.
My grandma was a feisty stubborn woman who raised my mom and uncle by herself and worked at the Alameda Hospital for over 30 years and didn’t like being taken care of. She watching cooking shows and even once told me she enjoyed Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. She was from Puerto Rico and came from a rather poor family. Her mother, Dolores could see the dead and speak to them. My grandma was always afraid of that and didn’t like to talk about it. Grandma was a fairly devote Catholic.
For me my grandmother dying is weird because she has always been there. My whole damn life. From birth to 31, my grandma has helped me financially and emotionally she attended plays, recitals and graduations. She has fed and clothed me, taken me on vacations and shopping trips. There have been birthday and Christmas presents as well as “Don’t tell your mom” money.
My very favorite memories of my grandmother are:
When we were little (before 1997) she lived in a two story blue slightly rundown apartment in Alameda We visited her at least once a month. We would drive down with my mom and when we got there grandma always had rolls and roast beef and turkey so we could make sandwiches. Then we would go shopping or sometimes to the beach. We would have dinner at Sizzler and ice cream at Lourdes, and then come back to grandma’s house. Her apartment was a studio with a semi large kitchen and bathroom and we crowded into it, playing with our toys and a variety of odd stuffed animals my grandma always had all over the house. In the morning we would have cereal with strawberries covered in sugar and hot chocolate, which my sisters and I would cram with as many marshmallows as possible. We would make sandwiches and pack them up for the three hour trip home.
Grandma has bought me Pleasures by Este Lauder (perfume) every Christmas from the time I was 16 until 30. Last year was the first year and knowing how depressed I was about it my mom and Boo both bought it for me.
My grandma always had a very specific smell and she had this old fashioned pink body powder container with a large white puff that my sisters and I would play with.
She had a Puerto Rican accent and I loved to listen to her talk, she would often lecture my mom about not eating right. She called me her Little Precious, because my mom was her Big Precious.
We went to Disneyland when I was about nine and I was so afraid of the deep scary voice in the Haunted Mansion ride she stood outside with me and waited for mom and my sisters to get done. When L and K came back excited I was so upset and then mom took me back through. I remember Grandma sitting with me on the bench just telling me that it was ok I was afraid but that she thought I would really enjoy myself.
There are so many more but I can’t think of any right now. I just had to put into words what an amazing, loving, funny and wonderful woman my grandma was and how much she will be missed. My baby is coming within days of her birthday and I feel especially blessed knowing Jareth will make his entrance only a month or so after my grandma departed. Hopefully she sees him on the other side and sends him through safely with her blessings.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
My newest novel has been released today. It is already available at createspace and will be available for sale on Amazon.com within the next few days as paper back and kindle!
Kalma is a witch; not a normal witch, an immortal witch, with power over death. She is also a Princess and a middle child, which causes her no end of frustration. Wanting to feel like she is doing something with her life, Kalma embarks on a journey where she must solve the mystery of missing Death Witch children. With the help of her colorful sisters and a Servant of Death, she gets more than she bargained for, and her life and the life of her people will never be the same.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
How Criminal Minds Drove Me Insane
(Some things may be exaggerated for comedic effect…or not )
Yes the title of this blog post is funny, but in a not so funny way.
I have recently developed a love of a TV show called Criminal Minds. It takes place in the center of the FBI Behavioral Analysis Unit…You know the profilers who help catch serial killers and other super baddies.
I wanted to be a profiler when I was young (and a paleontologist, but I digress) and have had a fascination with serials killers and abnormal psychology for years. I knew then that if I went down that path it might drive me crazy and I would never have a normal life because it would consume me…So I went a different path, I’ve always regretted it a little.
This show is GREAT, they use a lot of actual terminology, science, psychology and tactics that are used in real life profiling, so I get into it. As in my husband and I start having detailed discussions about the subjects and I dream in BAU.
I started with season one about a month ago and am already into season five, finally last night I had to tell my husband we were taking a break, at least a week of not watching this intense, sometimes scary, dark and super entertaining show. I have binged watched a lot of programs and never had a problem before; Pushing Daisies, Doctor Who, Big Bang Theory, Community, Gilmore Girls and more…never before has my imagination jumped so far that it started to affect how I react to others.
I have always been cautionary, I try not to talk to strangers, don’t walk alone at night, meet new people in public, always tell someone where I am going, keep an eye and possibly a hand on my children at to zoo, park etc.. Constant Vigilance (Mad Eye Moody style), don’t wear ear buds on public trans or while taking a walk…All things I have learned over the years of how now to be a victim, like not helping anyone, especially guys who have broken arms or cars. (BundY!) My oldest daughter will tell you if you talk to strangers you wind up taken from your family and cut up in little pieces in a wall some place…. Simply because horrible things happen to people who don’t know the score of baddies out there.
Let me clarify, my kids are not afraid of life or people, in fact the opposite is true, so when they are smiling and waving and wanting to talk to EVERYONE, I also want them safe and to understand what can lie out there. I am the same way. I make friends easily, chat up the book store clerk, have a few drinks at the bar, but no way am I wandering into an alley with a strange dude, ya know? When we go to the book store I let my eldest take my youngest to the kid section while I browse YA and romance, but we have rules and I check in with them. I feel like I tread the boundary between too lax and over protective really well.
However this last week I have been seeing bad guys where there are not, sometimes even in my own home. My imagination is screaming at me that there are molesters at my kid’s day care, anyone who even looks at my child for a second is suddenly a horrible pedophile and at any time my kids are going to be snatched from my front yard. I have found myself questioning the motives of family and friends in regards to their kind actions towards my daughters and I have to say, when YOU realize you are going crazy it is a new experience, especially if that experience is in extreme paranoia.
I know my family, I know my friends, these are good awesome people who do not need some whack a doodle (Me) profiling them on the side just in case they are a psychopath and I feel bad for my negative dark thoughts of the past week.
Let me tell you how I finally realized I had gone way into the land of the nut job:
I always check on my kids before bed, but now I find myself checking windows and worrying about whether the noise I heard was someone breaking in to slaughter us all in the night…Trying to sleep while also trying to figure out , “was that the cat or a homicidal maniac?” Not easy.
Sunday after I took my normal pregnancy nap and dreamed….. I awoke from a nap and the house was quiet too quiet and when I went out there was no one in the house. I called the police and they found my husband dead in the park and someone had stolen my five year old. Waking up and figuring out it was still Sunday and the house was just too quiet almost threw me into a panic, I grabbed my phone and practically darted into the living room, to find…My husband watching world cup while my youngest was taking a nap.
One of the final straws on the “You are cray cray knock it off” camel’s back came this morning. I dropped my youngest off at daycare and a man walked in after me…He didn’t have a child with him and I instantly went. THAT IS SUSPICIOUS! I signed my kid in, made sure she was properly hugged and kissed and went back to the car, on my way out I heard him simply ask about his time card….However I memorized what he looked like and what he was wearing and driving, sure that in a hour I would get a call that he was holding the day care hostage or had shot the place up, or even kidnapped some of the staff and or kids…and I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO GIVE THE POLICE AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.
So I am taking a break you beautifully horrible and yet addicting Criminal Minds….before I freak out and lock us all in our house with dehydrated food, a year’s supply of water and first aid and start home schooling my kids.
Bad things happen it’s life, it sucks, I do not need to think about what COULD and just deal with it if it DOES. Hopefully now the men around me will stop looking like sadist perverts and go back to normal.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Almost 29 weeks.
So I am officially in my third trimester. The last two weeks have been seriously sucky.
First off I fell and spent three days in the hospital in relation to said fall, apparently my blood pressure is fine, but I was very dehydrated. It’s amazing how you can think you are getting enough water, but in reality you are not. So now I have the awesome University of Utah cup that I have to drink three times a day, it comes to 96 oz of water a day and it’s really difficult, not to mention that now I practically live in the bathroom.
I had to do my glucose diabetes test this week and it was really gross. I think I am ok, but haven’t gotten my results yet. That stuff is like drinking eight oz of flat lemon lime soda with three times as much sugar. My heart rate increased but I felt ok, however as anyone who has been pregnant knows…Heart burn is like three times worse during this time and that shit gave me monster heart burn. I went home, threw up and seriously slept from 630pm-930pm, woke up long enough to chat with my husband for about an hour and make sure my girls were ok and then went back to sleep until almost.
My youngest daughter has spent the last five days fighting off a stomach bug that I can only pray I don’t get, I cannot afford to take time off from work.L
I feel the baby move all the time now and it is so exciting! I cannot wait for him to come. We are almost 100 % certain it’s a boy from the great ultrasound last week…Which I am not surprised about since this pregnancy has been so different than my girls. The morning sickness was horrible for about a month or two and then went away. With my girls I was pretty much sick the ENTIRE TIME. Plus I have gotten such bad acne with this pregnancy, I hate it! I can’t even walk right now because my lungs are being so squished I am constantly out of breath. Trying to exercise, but it is not going so well. I also have this terrifying feeling that Jareth (that’s our little one’s name and yes it is after the Goblin King from Labyrinth) is going to come early and I am not nearly prepared enough. I literally have NOTHING but like three articles of clothing.
I just can’t wait to hand this baby to my Boo, he loves my girls like his own, but he has never had a newborn or a child that is biologically his. He is such a good daddy and I can’t wait to share this new adventure with him. I am so excited for Jareth to come and wish the time would speed up! I have never been this excited over a pregnancy before. Possibly because I know Boo will be a good daddy and actually wants all of us in his life, forever, that makes a big difference, to not feel temporary or anxious and worried all the time.
Now on too some sad news. I was just informed that LDS Family Services will no longer be providing adoption services. This service has been one of the largest adoption services in the United States and has helped many LDS Families and birth moms (LDS or not). As you may have read earlier my sister recently used this service and it was wonderful! They can afford to do adoptions much cheaper than other agencies because the service takes NO money from the state and is completely church funded.
LDS family services allows couples to adopt and it costs anywhere from 4 thousand dollars to 10 thousand dollars, depending on their income because it is subsidized by the church. Other agencies charge anywhere from 30 thousand dollars or higher.
This is horrible news! People who want to adopt a baby who needs a home should not have to pay more than 15 thousand dollars for an adoption service, the USA might as well just make selling your children legal at this point, because honestly that is what that kind of money amounts too.
Apparently the church will still offer the supportive services, like counseling, and support groups but they will no longer be adoption brokers, apparently the church thinks less and less unwed mothers are giving their babies up for adoption.
I don’t understand how this makes any sense. I attended a support group with my sister and it included three women who gave babies up for adoption in the last two years and my sister’s social worker told me that many do not come to group, since LDS family services helps women from all over Utah and outside the state. So it isn’t even an accurate representation.
Fine, the numbers in the last 30 years have gone from 15 percent of women to 1 percent, but since the church is supposed to be in this to help people and not for the money I find this reasoning to be absolute bull shit. Yes with birth control and the social stigma behind single moms helping with the problem of unwed mothers I understand why the number has decreased and it is a good thing! But it does not mean that there are not unwed (and wed!) mother’s out there who will find themselves in need of adoption services and help.
Personally I feel that with the fact that gay marriage will soon be legal in Utah LDS Family Services does not want to have to deal with the fact that they may be pressured into allowing gay couples to adopt babies through their service. While yes, being a church should protect them from this; it is only a matter of time before it would have happened. (AS IS SHOULD- EQUALITY FOR ALL!)
I have seen a lot of bitchy comments about how badly LDS Family services sucks. Birth fathers coming back and suing, people not knowing where their grandchildren are, mother’s not receiving support. Having just watched my sister go through this I was to tackle some of these.
1) My sister’s social worker had to contact a lawyer about father’s rights before doing the adoption. They had to know what kind of laws the state HE lived in had before the adoption could proceed. She was not allowed to lie to the birth father about the adoption.
2) For the past ten years LDS Family services has primarly done open adoptions and I spoke to several women with whom this worked. If you are pissed because you don’t know where your grandchild is or how they are doing then you obviously were not a part of the process or your daughter chose a closed adoption or to not keep up communication.
3) They have support groups and there is always private counseling if the birth mom is really doing bad. Adoption IS NOT EASY. My sister talks to her counselor almost every day and sees her about once a week. They care about what happens to the birth mother. If your daughter has had a bad time dealing with the adoption perhaps you should get off your ass and HELP HER.
I am angry and saddened by the church’s decision to cut out this service and can only hope it doesn’t determinately affect adoption culture.
On a lighter note to end this blog I ate yellow watermelon as I was writing this…still as gross as normal watermelon, but funny.
Friday, May 23, 2014
My sister gave birth to a healthy baby girl. 6 pounds and 18 inches long. Such a tiny thing. It hit our family harder than we thought to place her with others. She is a joy and a beautiful baby and we are sorry to let her go, even if it is for the best.
They are naming her Alicia after our grandmother.
So Alicia....just in case you ever need to know, my muse came to me in the shower and I wrote this for you.
From Here to There
They are naming her Alicia after our grandmother.
So Alicia....just in case you ever need to know, my muse came to me in the shower and I wrote this for you.
From Here to There
Long feet, tiny hands;
Multiple hearts surround you with warmth and gold bands.
Not unwanted, wanted more than we knew;
You leave us for the best but our hearts are blue.
Little girl, so small and so us;
Smells like concentrated baby sister, sour sweet and such a fuss.
So wanted, cannot let go;
Right now to keep you the quality of your life would be low.
Let go we must;
In others care we trust.
Into hands stable and true;
Love and family is now times two.
Not lost, found, from our hearts to theirs and back again;
Over time all will mend.
Your Mama’s nose, so your grandma’s too;
Hazy blue eyes, what color shall you choose?
Pale pink skin and tiny pathetic cry;
Hold you forever love you until we die.
This was just fate and meant to be;
Tiny baby girl one day you shall see.
Never away or far from our thoughts;
Small and precious sometimes love isn’t enough.
Blonde lashes and hair, lips the size of a dime;
We are all family bonded by blood and by time.
Monday, May 12, 2014
So my sister is pregnant and due to certain conditions (money and health) is proceeding with adoption and will be placing her child with a family that can afford to give the baby everything she currently cannot. I have been right beside her with each step of the adoption process so far and it has been a unique, enlightening and highly emotional experience for me, and her.
First off, whether you are Mormon or not, if you live in Utah you go through LDS Family Services. So far the people I have met there have been fun, nice, kind and willing to go the extra mile to help my sister and answer any questions she may have as well as provide a type of support system for her. She works with the same Case Worker and they have built up a rather fabulous rapport. They have a support group for moms who are placing and moms who are choosing to parent that meets once a week and the ladies there all have individual stories and are more than willing to share information and give advice, or just listen. There are tears and laughter, hope and despair, but all in all a positive environment.
Second they no longer call it giving your child up for adoption, now it is simply placing your child with another family. I find the new terminology so much more positive and lighter than what I grew up hearing. They use this term because over 90 % of their adoptions are open adoptions. My sister’s case worker informed us she has barely worked a closed adoption in the 20 + years she has been working in the adoption field. Open adoption means that my sister can have as much contact with her baby as she and the new parents deem appropriate: Pictures, texts, Facebook, emails, phone calls and even visits. They might be the new parents, but my sister will never be forgotten as the courageous female who chose to give her baby the best life possible and her child will know who she is, where she is and what circumstances led to her decision.
Third I want to address the issue of negative stereotypes of women who place their children up for adoption. I have heard people say these must all be poor slutty young women or even stupid women who can’t handle “real life”….I have met several of the other birth mothers, some were married and the timing wasn’t right, some have been young, some older, a few have been pregnant from promiscuity, others have been with long term partners, one didn’t even realize she was pregnant until she went into labor. Some have careers and homes of their own; others live with their parents or are homeless. It takes all kinds. Just like with abortion there is no one TYPE of woman, there are all kinds, all creeds, races and religions, with so many different back stories and back grounds. You cannot lump them together and before you open your mouth please remember you don’t know someone unless you try and actually talk to them. Ignorant people make me angry.
I have heard people say it is taking the “easy way out” among other selfish horrible concepts. I find these statements from people who a) have never had a child, b) are uneducated when it comes to adoption and c) are ass holes. Giving your baby up has got to be the hardest thing any person can ever do. I have watched over the months as my sisters realized she was not going to be prepared to take care of her baby; Emotionally, physically and financially. She had a hard choice ; place her baby with people who have money, a home and stability or keep her baby with her and run the risk of being homeless , starving and eventually having CPS forcibly take her child from her. As much as I
her familywant to help there is only so much we can do for her, and it is not enough so that she would have the option of parenting. For my sister this was the best and smartest decision she could make. Having children myself I applaud her, I have no idea how I would handle being pregnant and knowing I didn’t get to keep my baby. Striving to stay unattached, not getting baby gifts, preparing a baby book or even naming my child. It would drive me crazy and I have high respect that even as emotional as my sister is she seems to be handling herself well. Though I know it is hurting her inside. Letting others raise her child is the toughest thing she has ever dealt with and will ever deal with. She will be stronger for it. I find this to be my sisters first real grown up decision.
Fourth, I have heard my sister say things like, “If I can’t raise this baby, doesn’t it mean I have failed?” From an outsider point of view I am going to rail against this statement in fury. OF COURSE NOT. In fact it means you are thinking of your baby first, the way any parent would. Sometimes you make hard decisions in your life that suck for you but are good for your children, this just happens to be one of them. I know a few people who placed children for adoption and then years later had healthy happy children when the time was right. It doesn’t mean my sister loves this baby any less or has failed in any way to be an adult or a parent. In fact the gift she is giving the people she has chosen to raise her child is a miracle for them. My sister can have other children is she chooses, this family cannot. All they can do is wait for someone to place with them, this ultimate of gifts. That’s right conservatives the ultimate gift isn’t your V-card it is a mother placing her baby with another family, putting aside her fears and trusting these strangers to raise and support her child when she cannot.
Fifth- I briefly thought about adoption when I got pregnant at 20….It was only for a few minutes and not really seriously. It wasn’t for me, but I remember how I felt for just that moment, sad and terrified and trying to figure out if I had what it took to parent my daughter, would I be able to provide for her like my mom had for me? The answer was yes for me, but it could have easily been no. Everyone is different, what is the right choice for some might not be for others. It does not diminish your decision and choice; it is all about what is right for you and your baby. Fuck what anybody else says. This is YOUR CHOICE; don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.
Sixth- I want to applaud all people involved in honest adoption services, the birth mother, adoptive families, case workers, and anyone who is positively supporting the process. I have been sitting next to my sister for two months now while she deals with this and no matter how irritating or obnoxious she is now , was in the past or will be in the future…I am always going to remember what a strong female she was in the face of this decision. If you are out there right now entering into this process, in the middle of it or even thinking about it I just wanted to say I support adoption
Still totally pro-abortion though, your choice.and have tons of respect for the whole institution.
My sister is due in two weeks and is placing her daughter up for adoption, I am gaining and losing my only true blood niece at the same time…It’s hard for me too, I don’t have a lot of immediate family and am not close with my other sister… But I know how to be there for people when things are shitty, and that’s exactly what I am going to do. You might see me write Wicked Witches Unite, on this blog, well for the next month it will be Sisters for Adoption Unite.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
So I know this blog normally sticks to political and personal opinion stuff, but occasional I do blog about my personal life. So once again this is my blog and if you don’t like what I have said here you can…I don’t know…choose NOT TO READ IT.
Any way over the next four months I am going to be doing Baby Bump Updates. You may care, you may not. Of course I will still be blogging whatever the fuck I feel like it in-between, but I just wanted to give you a warning that the blog may be swamped with baby crap until this little ones arrival in September.
I am currently just barely 21 weeks pregnant, the morning sickness is basically gone, aside from if I go too long without eating…Or if some other weird thing has happened. For example really fatty foods have a tendency to come back up and the baby HATES Taco Bell. Which is funny, since Evil Lia loved it.
I have only gained five pounds and find myself struggling to remind myself that the extra weight is all baby and even though I feel fat and ugly once this baby comes I will lose 20-30 pounds and can start working towards my weight goal again. I have also developed acne for the first time in my life, so that combined with gray hair and turning a year older has made me feel a special brand of ugly.
We had an ultrasound two weeks ago and received and 90 % chance that this is a boy, so my husband is quite excited, I however have a bit of fear in this regards. First off I have raised two daughters so a baby girl would simply be easier for me, and I have a perfect name picked out. I am terrified I won’t be able to raise a boy properly and cannot find a name I 100% love. So far the choices are Jareth, Rowan and Nicodemus…. My husband vetoed Demeterius (A Shakespeare name) and Mihail (a name from Vlad the Impaler’s family line).
I also pretty much hate ALL boys’ clothes. So far I have bought four onsies that don’t make me want to cringe; thankfully I have found several sites full of baby Doctor Who stuff, while expensive much better than the crap I located at Target and Babies R Us. I also hate the color blue, so I have decided to go with fall colors for the baby, crimson, gold, bronze, orange etc...Etc...
I really wanted a home birth with my brilliant midwife, but after a consultation with Dr. Silver and reading his letter we have decided to have a natural birth at a hospital because I am a plus size VBAC and my c-section scar doesn’t look great and I won’t know until 32 weeks if they will even allow me to try a vaginal delivery. I just hate to tell my midwife because she has been so great. However this will set Boo’s mind at ease because he is quite concerned about something horrible happening during labor.
I was recently diagnosed with a bladder infection which is all kinds of uncomfortable and I was in the hospital for itthe 5th, not a great way to spend Cinco de Mayo.
I feel the baby move all the time and it always brings a smile to my face to feel him kicking, punching and squirming in there. I know many women who don’t like being pregnant and I am not one of them. While it takes too long for me, I do enjoy the sensation that a tiny person is growing inside me. With Monkey going into fifth grade and Evil Lia starting Kindergarten I am very much looking forward to a new baby in the house.
I am also looking forward to sharing this adventure with a good man who I am not worried about cheating on me or leaving me and ditching our children. I think everything is going really good and my family is very strong right now, in fact things might be better now than they ever have been.
So that’s all for now. Wish me luck!