30… Eeek, such a big scary number…But tomorrow I turn 30…I have had a flip flop of emotions with this number. I mean it’s just a number, I am far from old. I certainly don’t feel old…But it’s 30, my twenties are over and there was so much I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. Did I waste my youth? Did I take too many wrongs paths that I still don’t feel like I have all my shit together and I am going to be 30!? Did my mom feel like this at 30? What about my friends who are older than me?
I didn’t want to be divorced, living pay check to paycheck, still in school and unhappy with my job. I wanted to have a career, lose weight, have a husband, a comfortable life where I wrote books for a living….What happened?
Life happened, shit happened….I still have time to travel and write, get re married and have another baby, don’t I? It’s thoughts like these that keep me awake now. Am I a good mother? Do I deserve all the crap life has thrown at me? 3030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030…. Over and over, what ifs, what has been, what has not been. An endless chorus of doubts plaguing me as my birthday comes closer and closer to smacking me in the face.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENEE….You are now 30!” What does that even MEAN? Is my life supposed to change now? Am I suddenly going to be hit with a grown up wand and everything will come together? I highly doubt it, but it would be nice. Why do I find this birthday do daunting? What is it about the big 3 0 that has me nostalgic, panicked and depressed?
I have a pretty great life, decent job, good grades, two beautiful daughters, awesome mom and dad, brilliant boyfriend and totally mag friends. I just wish this coming birthday didn’t make me want to kill myself, a little.
According to many websites here are some things I should have done before tomorrow
1. Bungee jump – Uh no way
2. Go to a National State Park – I might have done this….not sure
3. Buy a home – Okay so I am good with this one
4. Appear on TV – Does appear in a newspaper count? How bout a self published book?
5. Record a song –Me and Turled recorded a horrible one for my dad for Christmas one year lol
6. Get two new stamps in your passport –I have never been out of the country so….riiiiiight
7. Rock climb – check
8. Scuba dive – no interest in this
9. Refinance student loans –Not out of school yet
10. Sky dive – Nope
11. Learn to sail –Nope
12. Eat at a Michelin star restaurant –Would love to but I am pretty much always broke.
13. Get published –AH HA! At least I can say YES to this in multiple ways
14. Surf – Nope
15. Stand up on water skis – Nope
16. Ski/snowboard – Once and hated it
17. Help your mom or dad accomplish something on their bucket list – They haven’t asked and it freaks me out to think about them dying
18. Take a class – in one right now
19. Learn Spanish – nope, unless that semester in high school counts
20. Volunteer – nope
21. Paint a picture – uh…I did in art class in 7th and 8th grade, does this count? I suck at art.
22. Make a new friend – do this ALL the time
23. See a wild animal in its natural habitat – what kind of wild animals? Cause uh yeah, just saw some deer this weekend.
24. Camp outside in a tent – check
25. Learn more about photography – nope
26. Become a mentor – nope
27. Speak at a conference –. nope
28. Bartend/Waitress – nope
29. Fall in love – Yeah like four time
30. Make a “30 Under 30” list – Oh great….. So I have done 11 out of 30 things….
Okay in the spirit of things
A list of 30 things to do before I turn 30… You know, things that don’t suck, see if you’ve done them too!
1) Have sex
2) Have a baby
3) Get married
4) Buy a car
5) Move out of your parents house
6) Go to Las Vegas
7) Drink Alcohol
8) Try marijuana
9) Lose twenty dollars gambling
10) Kiss a stranger
11) Wander a cemetery at night
12) Attend a church that you don’t believe in
13) Own a cat
14) Read more than 50 books in one year
15) See a play
16) See a ballet
17) See an Opera
18) Be on the stage in SOMETHING
19) Face a fear
20) Stand up for yourself and what you believe in
21) Grow something from a seed
22) Learn how to cook
23) Get a degree
24) Go to a movie by yourself
25) Go out to dinner by yourself
26) Go to Disney Land
27) Get a tattoo
28) Get something pierced
29) Buy a sex toy
30) Try new foods from at least three cultures
Huh, that actually made me feel better….. It’s nothing MAJOR but it’s pretty good. I guess I should make a list of 40 things to do before I turn 40 at some point. But not today, today and the rest of this month I just want to be comfortable with turning 30.