Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Plus Size and Beautiful

I am a plus size girl, I have always been fat and I will always be fat. As I continue with this please note that I say Fat Girl with respect love and a degree of attraction, since I do like my woman with meat on their bones. If you do not like what I have to say please move along I have no tolerance for anyone who is going to name call or be nasty here. If you have actual facts and a legitimate argument then by all means I want to hear it.

I am okay with being a big girl. However I have found myself upset with my current weight, I don’t mind being big, but I do mind being this big.

It’s kind of hard to lose weight when I love food and hate exercise, I am sure many of my plus size friends and readers will agree with me here. I like to eat, I find texture, flavor and the experience of food something amazing, a gift other animals do not quite get. I enjoy how social food is, cooking, baking, eating out…It does not matter, I enjoy it all. It’s hard to say no to your favorite bread, a good eight ounce steak or a loaded baked potato when you know you should really have the salad.

I know to eat healthy, but honestly eating healthy is expensive, I am a single mom on a limited income, buying healthy food breaks the bank. I buy groceries two weeks at a time and most fruits and veggies do not last that long. My kids are thin, they eat healthy, or as healthy as I can afford to, no candy, no soda, no junk…Unless it’s a special occasion. I on the other hand struggle with my weight. I have always struggled with my weight.

I am a beautiful woman, I dress myself well, I am rarely without male or female companionship. Not because I am a whore with low self esteem but because I have a great personality, a pretty smile and am fairly self confident. The longest time I was single was ages 15-17 and then from 2003- 2005 after I had my first daughter. A lot of my current weight issues comes from having my first daughter and not losing the weight.

No matter what any one says, being a big girl does not stop you from having relationships, finding sex fun and being considered sexy. Many people think guys don’t want a big girl, but it’s just not true. Men are not as shallow as main stream media like us to believe. Granted there are chubby chasers and most plus size girls with good self esteem know to stay away from that kind of player. In fact it as been my experience skinny guys tend to like us curvy. Lol Now are there shallow men and women who only want what magazines tell us is beautiful? Sure, but screw those ass holes.

In the past being larger meant you were rich enough to afford food, healthy enough to have babies and up until the creation of Twiggy considered sexy. Elizabeth Taylor, Mae West and Marilyn Monroe are all considered BBW. Marilyn Monroe was a size 12/14.

I did Weight Watchers before my first daughter was born and did really well on it…I have tried four times in the last three years to do Weight Watchers again and it just doesn’t work, if anything is makes me want to eat more.

I have tried Slim Fast, Special K, calorie counting, a ton of different fad diets, Curves for Women and just fasting. These never work, they make everything worse.

I am bulimic, how you may ask, can you be a fat girl and still bulimic? It is easy. If I over indulge even the slightest I feel so badly that I purge…It’s been on going for a few years and a cycle that is hard to break. It is very much that I like to eat but feel bad for doing so. I have wanted to try to attend Over Eaters Anonymous, but either don’t have the time or scare myself out of it.

I have thought about weight loss surgery, but don’t have the funds or the credit to do it, I would also have to take a ton of time off work…. And about a dozen more excuses.

“But why don’t you just eat right and exercise?” I can hear you asking me. Well I try to eat right, decent portion sizes, not a ton of processed junk…I basically forgo soda in favor of ice tea and water. And exercise? I do so when I can, I would love to have the freedom and ability to work out four times a week, but with work, school and my kids that is almost impossible to do unless I work out at home.

There is the rub…I am a tad lazy. I get home with my kids by 6 have dinner, deal with homework and my daughters needing attention and BAM it’s suddenly eight and they are going to bed, I have homework of my own to finish and then I want the comfort of my bed.

My boy and I try and walk as much as we can when we are together and we try and hit the gym once or twice a week together, so that’s a start….I know it’s not enough though. So I bought a Wii…. Here is where my activity level will begin to increase. I got Just Dance and Wii Sports, not only are they fun but they get me off my ass and allow me to be active while spending time with my daughters. Hopefully I will see a change in myself that I will enjoy.

I also bought some Ephedra, I know, I know it’s FDA banned and if not used properly can be dangerous. However back in the early 2000’s when it was in Metabolife I used it and it worked really great. Gave me energy and killed my appetite. So I figured, why not try to again. I did the green tea and raspberry ketoenes with no success. Today is my second day taking it and I already have noticed my extra energy and my lack of appetite.

I won’t be this fat when I get re married

I love myself, do not think I don’t. I enjoy how I look I just need to drop about fifty pounds and get back to where I was in high school.

I am pro fat girls! YAY Plus size! Skinny skinny is over rated and I do not think plus size women should be shamed into losing weight because society’s idea of beauty if stick thin. Health wise it is a good option to lose weight, but really it is all about YOU, how YOU feel and not what anyone else thinks, says or feels.

Be plus size and proud, being proud of how you look isn’t about hiding the fact you are really miserable, it is about actually being happy with yourself. It is about the fact that everyone is different and you should OWN your differences. Just OWN it in a healthy way. You can be plus size and still be healthy.

Fat Girl Resources:


Lane Bryant
Dream Diva


My Happy Fat
Fat Chicks Rule
Fat Girls Rule
Confessions of a Fat Girl
The Fat Girl Blog

Plus size famous women

Melissa McCarthy

Kathy Bates


Delta Burke

Ann Wilson

Camryn Manheim

Roseann Barr

Carnie Wilson

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Depression and Anxiety

Let me start this blog with two things… The first is depression sucks…the second is I have it and I wish I didn’t.

When I am not on my medication I have days where I feel great where everything is fine and I am very happy…I have days where I am normal and everything is ok…Then I have what I call dark days… Days where I am panicked, anxious, sad, worried and stressed out. Where everything feels ten times worse than it probably is, where every irrational fear is jammed up in my mind in a swirling mess. I want to scream, cry, yell, run away, hurt myself, curl up in a ball and just be rocked until it passes.

The alternative is being on my medication…. Then most days I feel pretty normal, my sex drive lags a little bit and I feel gray sometimes like nothing upsets or excites me… Mostly I feel normal… Even with my medication however I have dark days, where I feel like everything sucks and I can’t get a head and the world would be a better place without me in it. Those days don’t comes as often or last as long, but they are still there, just not as strong.

It is a hard thing to talk about with people who have never experienced depression. They don’t understand what I am talking about, they say things like, “get over it” “don’t let it bother you.” They don’t understand that these are IMPOSSIBLE concepts and they don’t work. That is takes meditation, extra medication, breathing exercises and usually some form if distraction or sleep to make the bad thoughts go away. That I don’t have a ton of control over it and I don’t say and act the way I do for attention. I am literally drowning in myself and reaching for a life saver.

Right now is a dark day… Where even the thought of my children, friends, boyfriend, family, cats…all of that doesn’t help me with the funk I have fallen into… And I currently am on my meds… However I also have a cold and my TMI monthly yes-I-know-I-am-a-woman time. So I don’t feel good, which means any stress that happens right now only serves one purpose, to push me farther down the despair highway, away from the happy park on the path of life. Does that sound like prose? Over dramatic? Well then point proven.

My life is like a map. In the middle is a small normal fulfilling city, to the left a green busy happy park and lake with two roads connecting it the highway of despair and the freeway of fucking FANTASTIC. To the left is a solemn, quiet, peaceful cemetery. It also connects to the highway and freeway. They all make a huge circle. I want to live in the city, with occasional trips to the park or the cemetery, you know like a normal person. What winds up happening is I get in a car, driving to fast and wind up down one of the roads in an endless circle. CITY, PARK, HIGHWAY OF DESPAIR, FREEWAY OF FUCKING FANTASTIC, CEMETERY, CITY…. You get the picture. There are no stops signs, no breaks, no lights, no hot cops on motorcycles or cross walks. Until I take my medication, then, thankfully, road blocks go up outside the park and the cemetery so I can’t access the other roads. I don’t know if this makes sense… maybe it's just more crazy ramblings…. I don’t know.

I do know that I think I feel things more than other people, hope, love, despair, happiness, betrayal, pain, joy, wonder, amazement, sadness etc…etc.. All those wonderful things that make being human so incredible.

Is my depression worth some of the great sensations I have when in a happy phase? Probably not, but good luck getting me to admit that when I am on the Freeway of Fucking Fantastic.

So I understand, I understand what its like to not know what’s wrong with you, not have people understand you or believe you, or even look at you weird because of the stigma surrounding depression. I understand and I know those feelings all too well. If you are reading this and you suffer from or think you suffer from depression. You are not alone.

I am a cutter

I have tried to commit suicide on three different occasions.

I have depression and…I am going to be ok.


Right now 1 in 10 adults in the US have depression. Women are twice as likely to have depression and 12 % of women experience symptoms of it at some point in their life.

4% of adolescents develop depression and suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in people ages 10-24.

6 million people in the USA have bipolar disorder and over 80% of people with a form of depression are not being treated.

Treatment for Depression


Psychotherapy- or talk therapy…which I do.

CBT- Cognitive-behavioral therapy- this works to reduce depression by reversing and challenging negative beliefs and attitudes in the patient.

IPT- Interpersonal therapy- over coming problems with social skills.

Healthy living:

Sleep well

Eat well

Manage stress


Set realistic goals

Accept help from friends and family

Symptoms of depression

Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

No energy, fatigue

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness

Pessimism or hopelessness

Insomnia or excessive sleeping

Irritability, restlessness

Loss of interest in things

Over eating or loss of appetite

Headaches, digestive problems

Persistent, sad, anxious or empty feelings

Thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts

Types of Depression

Major Depressive Disorder

Chronic Depression

Atypical Depression

Bipolar Disorder/ Manic Depression

Seasonal Depression

Psychotic Depression

Postpartum Depression



Now on top of depression I also have anxiety, no they are not the same thing. Though many people who have one, also have the other. It is when you have a sudden attack of terror ( a strong word, but useful) where your heart pounds, you sweat, sometimes become weak or faint, flushing, chills, nausea, chest pain, feeling like you can’t breathe. An anxiety or panic attack usually makes me feel like I am losing control, full of worry and tension, like something bad is about to happen. I get thoughts in my head that won’t go away, sometimes old upsetting memories or even just the list of things I have to accomplish that day and suddenly BAM anxiety attack. Basically it's all about excessive irrational fear and dread. The key term is:  irrational. I know it's stupid and I KNOW it's irrational, but it doesn’t stop it. Again, telling me to calm down and get over it or stop thinking about it…well it just doesn’t FUCKING HELP…In fact it will probably make it worse.

Anxiety disorders affect about 40 million American adults 18 and older.

Types of anxiety disorders




Social Phobia

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) this one is mine

Other specific phobias

So that’s today’s blog… I know not really happy, but it's truth, and it is hard fact and something people need to deal with. I am tired of being looked at like I am crazy because of my emotions and things I don’t have much control over. I just want people to understand and accept me.

If you have anxiety or depression please reach out to the people around you. If you suffer from or are thinking suicidal thoughts please contact:

Suicide Prevention Hotline







Wednesday, April 10, 2013

My Bucket List

I have never really though of having a bucket list…. That is until my mom told me she and my uncle were probably going to put my grandma in an assisted living facility. Thinking about my grandma’s death doesn’t make me sad so much anymore as it scares the crap out of me. I do not want to get old a die…I don’t want to get wrinkles, grey hair, wear adult diapers, lose my memories, not be able to walk and become a burden on my family… It’s a horrible thought and I don’t like to dwell.

I mean it will be better for my grandmother to pass on at this point. Her quality of life sucks and she isn’t very happy and she is going to HATE living somewhere else…If she passes on she will go somewhere better where she gets to be young and healthy and watching over me. She has even told my mother she is ready to go now.

However it has got me thinking… What do I want to accomplish with my life before I die? What about you? What are some things you HAVE to do starting right now until the day you die? It’s a loaded and quite big question… Isn’t it?

So here it is…. My list of things to do before I die.

1) Get re married

2) Have another baby

3) Visit England

4) Buy a new house

5) Get a another car

6) Lose about 100 pounds

7) Visit a state I have never been to before

8) Go on a cruise

9) Have a book sold at Barnes n Noble

10) Own a chocolate diamond

11) Make at least 30 thousand dollars a year

12) Become fluent in ASL

13) Get at least two more tattoos

14) Own a Savannah cat

15) Visit Disneyland….again

There fifteen things to do before I die….. Hopefully I can accomplish them. Lets see if I can get at least five of them done before I turn 40 lol!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


30… Eeek, such a big scary number…But tomorrow I turn 30…I have had a flip flop of emotions with this number. I mean it’s just a number, I am far from old. I certainly don’t feel old…But it’s 30, my twenties are over and there was so much I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. Did I waste my youth? Did I take too many wrongs paths that I still don’t feel like I have all my shit together and I am going to be 30!? Did my mom feel like this at 30? What about my friends who are older than me?

I didn’t want to be divorced, living pay check to paycheck, still in school and unhappy with my job. I wanted to have a career, lose weight, have a husband, a comfortable life where I wrote books for a living….What happened?

Life happened, shit happened….I still have time to travel and write, get re married and have another baby, don’t I? It’s thoughts like these that keep me awake now. Am I a good mother? Do I deserve all the crap life has thrown at me? 3030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030303030…. Over and over, what ifs, what has been, what has not been. An endless chorus of doubts plaguing me as my birthday comes closer and closer to smacking me in the face.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENEE….You are now 30!” What does that even MEAN? Is my life supposed to change now? Am I suddenly going to be hit with a grown up wand and everything will come together? I highly doubt it, but it would be nice. Why do I find this birthday do daunting? What is it about the big 3 0 that has me nostalgic, panicked and depressed?

I have a pretty great life, decent job, good grades, two beautiful daughters, awesome mom and dad, brilliant boyfriend and totally mag friends. I just wish this coming birthday didn’t make me want to kill myself, a little.

According to many websites here are some things I should have done before tomorrow

1. Bungee jump – Uh no way

2. Go to a National State Park – I might have done this….not sure

3. Buy a home – Okay so I am good with this one

4. Appear on TV – Does appear in a newspaper count? How bout a self published book?

5. Record a song –Me and Turled recorded a horrible one for my dad for Christmas one year lol

6. Get two new stamps in your passport –I have never been out of the country so….riiiiiight

7. Rock climb – check

8. Scuba dive – no interest in this

9. Refinance student loans –Not out of school yet

10. Sky dive – Nope

11. Learn to sail –Nope

12. Eat at a Michelin star restaurant –Would love to but I am pretty much always broke.

13. Get published –AH HA! At least I can say YES to this in multiple ways

14. Surf – Nope

15. Stand up on water skis – Nope

16. Ski/snowboard – Once and hated it

17. Help your mom or dad accomplish something on their bucket list – They haven’t asked and it freaks me out to think about them dying

18. Take a class – in one right now

19. Learn Spanish – nope, unless that semester in high school counts

20. Volunteer – nope

21. Paint a picture – uh…I did in art class in 7th and 8th grade, does this count? I suck at art.

22. Make a new friend – do this ALL the time

23. See a wild animal in its natural habitat – what kind of wild animals? Cause uh yeah, just saw some deer this weekend.

24. Camp outside in a tent – check

25. Learn more about photography – nope

26. Become a mentor – nope

27. Speak at a conference –. nope

28. Bartend/Waitress – nope

29. Fall in love – Yeah like four time

30. Make a “30 Under 30” list – Oh great….. So I have done 11 out of 30 things….

Okay in the spirit of things

A list of 30 things to do before I turn 30… You know, things that don’t suck, see if you’ve done them too!

1) Have sex

2) Have a baby

3) Get married

4) Buy a car

5) Move out of your parents house

6) Go to Las Vegas

7) Drink Alcohol

8) Try marijuana

9) Lose twenty dollars gambling

10) Kiss a stranger

11) Wander a cemetery at night

12) Attend a church that you don’t believe in

13) Own a cat

14) Read more than 50 books in one year

15) See a play

16) See a ballet

17) See an Opera

18) Be on the stage in SOMETHING

19) Face a fear

20) Stand up for yourself and what you believe in

21) Grow something from a seed

22) Learn how to cook

23) Get a degree

24) Go to a movie by yourself

25) Go out to dinner by yourself

26) Go to Disney Land

27) Get a tattoo

28) Get something pierced

29) Buy a sex toy

30) Try new foods from at least three cultures

Huh, that actually made me feel better….. It’s nothing MAJOR but it’s pretty good. I guess I should make a list of 40 things to do before I turn 40 at some point. But not today, today and the rest of this month I just want to be comfortable with turning 30.