Wednesday, December 12, 2012

To Marry or to Divorce? Well which one is it?

To marry or not to marry?

To divorce or not to divorce?

These are questions I think everyone thinks about at least once in their life, if not more. Both acts are serious and should take time, thought and consideration before doing.

I got married in 2009. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I married a boy I had a crazy up and down relationship with since 2001. I married him because I thought he had changed, because we had a daughter together and were about to have another. I married him because I thought he loved me and I loved him. It wasn’t love, it was addiction, I was addicted to that loser. He made me feel sexy and special while at the same time treating me like dirt. What I thought was us having a connection, having things in common and being the perfect match was just my hopes and dreams cramming themselves inside a box with the words “Settling” engraved on it.

My wedding day was great. I had a fun time surrounded by family and friends. We eloped in Las Vegas and Elvis sang. It was beautiful, it was quirky, it was a little trashy and totally me…Well the ME I was when I was with him. The toned down, cruder, trashier (not in a bad way I use the term trashy with love) less smart, less sophisticated, B version of myself. It was funny and aside from some normal wedding day stress I wasn’t too worried, at the time I figured, “This is it! I am going to be with him forever.” Which couldn’t have been further from the miserable truth.

That is not to say my marriage was horrible. I mean most bad marriages are not awful all the time, just some of the time. Maybe he screamed at me a lot, but didn’t I yell back? Maybe he never listened, or was I nagging? Maybe he pushed me around, got a little physical… But didn’t I throw things in moments of rage? If he didn’t treat our kids well all the time wasn’t that just because I was the mom and I should deal with the girls more than he did? I might have been a controlling bitch but he was a selfish cheating douche bag.

We just were not compatible. Did he end things childishly with a level of drama that was ridiculous? Sure, but it was probably a good thing it was over with. Do I wish things had ended differently, that he cared about his children? Oh yeah, but again it really was for the best.

We had happy times, laughter, sex and times of romance and peace. Not all my memories are bad ones. But sometimes marriages end. Mine ended in a storm of shit fire and hail the size of soft balls, but sometimes they end in quiet and softness or amicably.

The point is that before a marriage ends I believe things should be done first. If you took the time to get married, shouldn’t you take the time to try and save it? Sure there are plenty of good reasons to divorce, abuse and cheating the two big ones, but before you file papers I think couples should TALK to one another. I think couples should see a therapist together and apart. Really try to fix what went wrong and remember why you fell in love to begin with.

Though perhaps the best way to not get divorced is to not get married in the first place. People get married too fast. They do not take the time and effort needed to make a life long commitment. I have heard people say, “Well if it doesn’t work I can always get a divorce.” Well….yeah…you can… But having just finished a divorce my response is always, “Why the fuck would you want too?” Divorce can be messy, complicated, expensive and heart wrenching. So why go through it if you don’t have to?

Here are some things I have learned from watching myself, my parents, my friends, talking to my therapist and doing a crap load of reading.

1) Don’t get married because “everyone else is.”

2) Don’t get married to someone you have known less than a year

3) Don’t get married because your religion says you need to

4) Don’t get married to someone EVERYONE else hates. (Unless that hate is because of their sex, race or religion)

5) Don’t get married because of a child (Pity proposals women. If you are pregnant when he proposes don’t do it! )

6) Don’t get married if you will have to live in either of your parent’s house afterwards

7) Don’t get married before 25. A HUGE majority of my friends who got married before 25 are divorced now and most on their way to their second or third marriage.

8) Don’t get married because you are afraid to be alone.

9) If you have broken up once chances are you will again, so don’t get married.

10) Don’t marry a habitual cheater. People that have cheated on you more than once will continue to do so if you get married.

Marriage is nice. I enjoyed having someone in the bed with me every night, the comfort their presence added to my life. Knowing that even if I didn’t want to spend time with him right then and there if I needed him he was a) coming home from work soon or b) just in the other room. I like the idea of having kids and growing old with someone. Not in a tied down, old ball and chain, burden or baggage kind of way, but in a partnership, love, family, completion way. I can be a liberal woman who thinks for herself and enjoy being married. Having a partner whether man or woman does not mean you are weak or subservient or can’t be happy without a relationship. It just is what it is. People make it too complicated. Love is love and you build a life within and around it.

Now I am not saying I want to get married again, but I am not opposed to it either.

For those of you who think half of all marriages end in divorce…That is kind of a bunch of crap. When you see a statistics on yearly divorce rates they are not talking about those who were married THAT year. It’s a generalized statistic. Here are some numbers to give you a better look. The divorce rate has actually been dropping because…. Oh yeah people are getting smarter.

In 2002 Arkansas had the highest divorce rate of 6.2 % versus a marriage rate of 14.3 less than half.

In 2006 55% of American were married

In 2008 The U.S.A had a marriage rate of 10.6 and a divorce rate of 5.2, which had decreased from 2000, though is still a little high.

In 2009 (the year I was married) 2,080,000 people got married, and only 840,000 got divorced.

About 2.2 million people were married in 2011 and there about 1 million that got divorced. Remember that is not 1 million of the 2.2 million, just in general a million people divorced.

So things are not as dire as they seem. Get married, get divorced. Just do it educated, responsibly and because it is the right decision for you. No judgement.

Friday, December 7, 2012

How not to become a victim of a serial killer

As anyone can tell you I have a HUGE interest in serial killers. I have since I was little. Pretty much if it’s serial killer related then I like it. Though I am a little snobby, it can’t just be ANY serial killer. There needs to be something unique. For example the ones that fascinate me at any time or place are ; Jack the Ripper, Elizabeth Bathory, Ted Bundy, and H.H. Holmes.

I also enjoy any tale that has murder in it with off twists. I like a good Angel of Mercy or Poisoned story (especially crazy women who poison like twelve husbands), cults that commit mass suicide and the occasional mass murderer. (Hello, grew up in California, Manson is creepy AND interesting.)

With all the morbid and macabre facts, stories, trivia and crap floating around my head today’s blog is a humorous one. Renee’s Top Ten Ways NOT to Become a Victim of a Serial Killer.

Now, these are my personal little tidbits and rules. They are NOT 100% effective because lets face it… Humans are deranged and sometimes fall outside the patterns and confinements that we set up. There is always a loop hole or an exception.

1) Have a penis. Or do not have a vagina – Yeah this one is kind of hard to change, but statistically speaking most serial killers prey on women. 91 % of serial killers are male

2) Do not be white- Yeah again, hard to do anything about. But serial killers like to kill usually within their own ethnic race and by 2010 52% of all serial killers were white.

3) Do not live in the United States- Yes I know here is a pattern. This is also hard to change if you already live in the U.S, but compared to other countries our serial killer rate is ridiculous.

4) Do not be a cheap easy tart- Okay, that sounds mean and is not always accurate. But most serial killers pray on prostitutes and other sex type workers like consorts and strippers. This is also a good horror movie rule too.

5) Do not be a virgin- yeah ok so now you have to find a nice balance between innocent and harlotville… But serial killers also like young innocent people too. Elizabeth Bathory killed over 600 virgins and bathed in their blood.

6) Do not isolate yourself- this means no walking around by yourself, especially at night and especially in places where no one is around. And if you HAVE to, keep yourself alert and possibly armed.

7) The Three S’s: Don’t talk to strangers, don’t get in vehicles with strangers and don’t take anything from strangers- Yes your mother was right.

8) Do not give out personal information online and if you are doing the online dating thing use common sense, well known sites, public places and BE CAREFUL.

9) Be overweight - yeah well not the HEALTHIEST option. But serial killers tend to like skinny victims because they have to haul around your dead weight.

10) Educate yourself- so know what a predator looks like and use common sense and sound judgment. Read and do not bury your head in the sand. If it seems too good to be true then it is. If your inner warning bells go off, listen to them.

So, yeah those are the top ten. Now here are five basic guidelines just to make sure you don’t wind up in any other horrible scenarios.

A) Do not join a cult or become a religious zealot.

B) If someone other than your normal nurse or doctor tries to medicate you ask questions first.

C) See a therapist if you have thoughts of suicide, depression or murder

D) If someone you know has more than one person in their life die from something questionable do not take food or drink from them.

E) Do not become homeless or run away from home. It makes you an easy target.

So hopefully this amused you and maybe gave you some things to think about. Have a great weekend.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Anti Bullying

Did you ever have those people in your life that if you drove by them and they were bleeding you would smile, flip them off and keep driving? I do, in fact there are a number of people, my ex best friend, my ex husband and above all… About three or four girls who bullied me all the time from third to sixth grade. And then tried to from seventh to 12th, but I had gotten the reputation for being kind of a bitch so they backed off. And hopefully, picking on me had lost some appeal and they went, grew up and got lives of their own.

Now a days the schools are filled to the brim with anti bullying propaganda and I say “HERE! HERE!” Because I was bullied and no one really gave a shit. The attitude was more ignored and for me to just suck it up. Elementary school was hell for me. I was over weight, poor, from a divorced family, wore ugly clothes and had short bushy curly hair. Sure I was kind, funny, creative, sweet and nice, but those traits didn’t matter. Even girls I considered friends would betray me or ignore my pain if it meant that they got to hang with the “cool” crowd or not be picked on themselves. Even from the start I knew I didn’t want to be a “popular” girl. They were mean, right? Or at least most of the ones I knew were.

My sixth grade year I went home sick once a week because the tormenting was so bad I just wanted to be left alone. The friends I did have got bullied almost as badly as I did. I had bathrooms doors kicked in on me, names called, secrets sold to be spread around campus. I was tricked, pushed, whispered about and openly laughed at. I was that girl, the one who is thinking, “I wish you would all go and die now.” When I stood up for myself these same bitches and douche bags would be the first to run and tattle, landing me in trouble, simply for sticking up for myself.

I felt alone and sad… I hated school and everything to do with it. I was so excited to start middle school and leave behind all the people who had teased me. My middle school was pretty large and while sure, a lot of the same assholes went there, there were so many new people that I made friends quickly. I became loud, crass, funny and caring. Most of my new friends were in awe by my language and the fact that I seemed so grown up. But those same nasty harlots who had made me miserable would creep up every once in a while to say something horrible. I was always like, “do you SERIOUSLY not have anything better to do?” I learned to ignore them and surround myself with girls meaner than they could EVER possibly be.

High school was amazing. I made a TON of friends and was the center of my tiny social group. I was never popular but I think most people at least knew who I was. Aside from maybe one or two comments no one EVER picked on me again. I made friends with a couple of popular people (you know…the ones who will talk to you in private but not in front of their friends) and the rest left me alone. Thankfully several of the twat waffles that had been so cruel to me went to the other high school.

I did find parts of my personality changed because of my experience. I, in turn, am meaner, harsher, more closed off and more prone to tease others. I try to do it in jest; I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But the past effects us all and those who are bullied a lot of the time grow strong personal defenses which include becoming cruel in our own way. When gossip is fed so often through everyone’s words it is hard to get away from it and stop the cycles. Is gossip good or bad? I think it is like magic neither good or bad, it is the intent that colors whether your teasing or gossiping is right or wrong.

Now as a mother a girls I am super alert to bullying. My daughter has a bully in her class at school, already, and she is only in third grade. This girl has picked on and pushed my daughter, left bruises and threatened to “steal” her friends. When it started in first grade I took care of business. Like a proud and angry Mama bear I had a meeting with the principle and the teacher and made sure this girl was watched and that she sat no where near mine. Last year when she bruised my daughter I called and dealt with the school counselor and the principle, gave them a copy of the picture I took and told them they better take care of it or I would. This year my daughter has been pretty much left alone by this little she-bully. Hopefully this She-Bully has grown up a little or her parents have enforced a stricter social behavioral code. My child has been TAUGHT that being mean to others is wrong. I have explained that I have a zero tolerance for her teasing and being mean to other children.

I wonder about parents of children who become bullies. Are they themselves assholes? Or do they not pay attention and just not care? People need to pay attention. Bullying is a severe problem which leads to kids killing other kids or growing up and being the kind of adults you warn your children about. Or children grow up with other issues like low self esteem. Really alert your children to the types of bullying, physical, verbal, and cyber. Explain to them what to do if they are being teased and that teasing is wrong.

The statistics are horrifying.

One out of seven children are victims of bullying (is one yours?)

More than half of all children witness someone being bullied.

Almost twenty percent of kids skip school to prevent being bullied.

One out of ten students will simply drop out of school because of teasing.

Suicide is the third leading case of death in kids ages 12-18 and gets higher every year. Of these kids more than half were being bullied.

Bullying leads to anxiety, depression, low self esteem, low assertiveness and aggressiveness.

If this isn’t chilling enough:

Tyler Clementi killed himself in 2010 after teasing; Greg Cardarelli in 2004 and Rachel Ehmke in 2012. Phoebe Prince was 15 when she killed herself for the same reason, as did Amanda Cummings in 2012. These are just some of the ones who made the news. Don’t let your child be next.

Anti- Bullying

Websites to Look at:

Information on Bullying and How to Stop it

Statistics of Bullying